


I Apologize.

by LikaNightmare



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Consensual Underage Sex, Depression, Domestic, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Highschool AU, Hurt/Comfort, Hux wants the D and Kylo wants the sweet embrace of death, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Friendship, Sexual Tension, Step-siblings, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Underage Sex, Underage Smoking, anxiety and gays, everyone is not hetero, kylux au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-07-26 05:26:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7562146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikaNightmare/pseuds/LikaNightmare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylux Highschool AU nobody asked for.</p>
<p>"He would admit only to himself that it was some sort of a crush. No one could ever suspect that. If there was something he didn't need currently was to be shamed for having a crush on the school's quarterback."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shiro_yuu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_yuu/gifts), [koichi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/koichi/gifts).



> I'm not even sorry.

He was sitting on a bench outside waiting for his stepsister to finally show up so he could go home and forget about how lousy was the soccer game – hopefully before those big dark clouds decided to release all the water they were holding up – when Kylo Ren passed in front of him. As usual, he didn't acknowledge Hux's existence and walked away slowly being followed by the redhead’s gaze. If he had to admit it, he could say he wanted Kylo to fuck him. All because Kylo had such a nicely build body and strong arms and a skin that looked so soft that he couldn't help but desire it.

 

 

He would admit only to himself that it was some sort of a crush. No one could ever suspect that. If there was something he didn't need currently was to be shamed for having a crush on the school's quarterback. He let his eyes linger on Kylo's back as he left and sighed.

 

 

When Phasma showed up, Kylo was out of his sight, for what he felt very grateful. “Come on, let's go home already.” she easily pulled him off the bench and he didn't even complain. After all those years he was completely used to have a much taller and much stronger girl as a sister and he was also completely aware that complaining wouldn't help him with shit. So Hux just tag along as she dragged him home. “So...did you got a chance to see your precious soulmate today?” she teased. He arched one eyebrow in annoyance and she smirked. It was always so easy to tease him about that.

 

 

“Don't start!” 

 

 

She rolled her eyes and started to search her pockets for the keys. “Shit. I think I lost it.”

 

 

“As usual.” he tossed his own keys to the blonde who opened the door right as the rain started to fall. “Right on time.” they fell on the couch feeling too lazy to do anything other than waste their time listening the rain to fall down.

 

 

“How was the game today?”

 

 

There it was. The only thing he didn't want to think or talk about. He answer with nothing but a sigh and Phasma knew it was bad. And it was indeed. It didn't matter it was just training and it didn’t matter that nobody would remember that latter: when the subject was competitiveness, Hux would excel on that. And winning was something he was used and addict at. And besides he was already a junior and he had to rely on a scholarship if he ever wanted to get to university. He had to excel. In every aspect. He realized he was sulking for the lack of teasing. Phasma was serious too. She knew how important it was for him.

 

 

“You'll do better next time.” she said standing up. She stretched up and yawned. “And we should order a pizza.” after that, the night went away on pizza bites and channel surfing until they were full, bored and too tired to keep themselves awake.

 

 

Morning came gray and cold and Hux cursed all the gods for the fact that he had to get up and get ready. Rain was still pouring down and his shoes were wet before they get to school. His mood was darker than the clouds on the sky and people could probably see that because they were jumping out of his way when he crossed the hall to his classroom. The only one who didn't bother to get scared by his dark mood was Mitaka. The dark haired boy put his hands on Hux's desk and gave a faint smile to his team captain.

 

 

“Coach Snoke said practicing is canceled for the week. All this rain is making it impossible to play outside.” Mitaka then tossed himself on the desk beside him and sighed. 

 

 

“Championship is coming.”

 

 

“The season didn't even started, Hux.”

 

 

“Still. We got to get ready. Last year it was a hard win.”

 

 

“Loosen up, control freak.”

 

 

And he should. He knew he had to but all he could do was worry.

 

 

Phasma said the same thing at lunch. “Calm the fuck down.” she said. “There is nothing you could do about it. Let go.” he would have rolled his eyes to her if something didn't catch his attention first.

 

 

And by something it means Kylo Ren.

 

 

He walked in with the same numb expression he always had. It was like being there was painful to him and at the same time that he think so highly on himself that he believed everybody else to be undeserving of being at the same room he was. And if Hux had to guess, he would say the later was more likely to be truth. After all, Kylo Ren's mother was a Diplomat and he was probably used to think normal people were unworthy of his time and presence.

 

 

For an instant, when Kylo was fixing his hair behind his ear, his eye caught Hux's stare. But as suddenly it came, it went away. The redhead was aware of the many stares that were piling over the dark haired boy as he sat by himself and devoted all his attention to his phone. Later on a small figure girl that Hux had known to be his cousin joined him with a smile. She seemed to be really excited as she showed him a prospect and talked enthusiastically moving her small hands in big gestures.

 

 

He discretely turned his eyes to Kylo whom now had not only the girl but another boy as company. Them seem enthusiastic despite Kylo's apathetic face.

 

 

His cheeks turned to a shameful reddish tone when Kylo's gaze met his again. He would want to say he sustained his look but he didn't. Like a child who was caught doing something wrong, he looked away, embarrassed.

 

 

“Don't blush.” he said to himself. It was so pathetic. When he looked again, the tall dark haired boy wasn't looking at him anymore.

 

 

“Hm, so she is his cousin.” he heard Phasma say but when he asked what she was talking about, she just shrugged and kept her attention to her meal.

 

 

“Come on, say it.”

 

 

She placed her elbows on the table, run her fingers through her hair and looked at him. “So yesterday I lost my keys again. That girl sitting with your precious emo soulmate found them and we kind had and argument cause she had the audacity to tell me to take better care of my stuff.”

 

 

“First. She isn't wrong.” she looked at him with ferocity in her eyes and it amused him very much. “And secondly, stop calling him that.” to witch she just shrugged “If someone hears you, I bet I'll get in trouble.”

 

 

“Oh, I would never let anyone beat up my tiny little brother.” He thought about saying something and complaining about how she would always say she was the older one when, in fact, he was two weeks older than her, but again, Phasma was not someone easy. “And by the way” she kept saying “Nobody knows who I'm talking about.”

 

 

Across the cafeteria, Rey sighed. “You know that girl over there?” she asked Poe, pointing the blonde with a nod. The shorter boy looked to whom she was pointing. “I think she's a junior too, Ben.” but the boy said nothing and didn't give her the attention she wanted. Poe, on the other hand, looked intensely to the blond girl.

 

 

“I think I know her.”

 

 

“Seriously?”

 

 

“Yeah.” he said “isn't she on your class, Ben?”

 

 

Shrugging, he didn't bother to give his brother an answer. He hated when the two of them would completely dismiss his discomfort and insist to call him Ben everywhere they went together. It wasn't like he hated his name, but being called “Ben” left a metallic taste on his mouth that he couldn't wash away with anything. He watched as Rey complained about the other girl to Poe and his eyes caught the subject of such hate on the other side of the cafeteria. She was indeed in junior year and she also was his classmate. He looked at his cousin and she furrowed her brows. A very funny look to someone so short.

 

 

She kept going on and on about how impolite she was and how she should be grateful for something that Kylo didn't understand what was and he didn't really give a damn. Poe was already paying attention to her rant so she didn't need him to listen as well. He covered his eyes with his fingers and rubbed them softly. The scar on his face was warm and made itself very noticeable against his fingertips. He swallowed pain down his throat in silence. Around him, all the conversation were white noise and confusion. He could feel his heart beating against his ribs like a bird in a cage that is desperately trying to get out. “Oh God, please. Not this again!” he prayed in silence. But as usual, nothing seemed to listen.

 

 

“Ben?”

 

 

His eyes shot open when Rey's cold fingers touched him. Worry flooding her gaze, she drew circles on the back of his left hand. The three of them exchange silent looks. Kylo realized he was shaking a little. Clearing his throat, he got up and left without a word. Rey tried to go after him but Poe held her back by her forearm.

 

 

“He need some time.” he said.

 

 

Away from them, Phasma elbowed Hux's arm. “Your evil prince is leaving.” he shrugged but his eyes followed Kylo's way out until he was gone.

 

 

Outside the building, feeling the cold wind filling his lungs, Kylo felt a lot better. The thin gelid raindrops that feel on his face also played a relaxing part and having no one else around him left him with the calming sensation that nobody would discover what kind of freak he was. Not that they weren't already aware of it thanks to the ginormous brownish scar bisecting his face diagonally. He touched it again and bit his lower lip to refrain himself to lose it again. 

 

 

He missed the rest of the school day and asked Poe to get his bag before going home and not to tell anything to their mother. And especially not to say anything to their father. And after that he turned off his phone, knowing too well it wasn't a smart choice to make. He searched his pockets for cigarettes but there was none. And he sighed. And shrugged. And there was nothing he could do but to walk around aimlessly until all the confusion in his head was gone. And so he did. When he walked home, night had had fallen for a couple of hours. Leia was worried sick and Han was pissed at home, waiting for him. He listen as his father guaranteed his mother he would let her know Kylo's whereabouts as soon as he sat foot at home. And then Han said he loved her and they said goodbye. He thought about going to his room without getting noticed but Han would probably hear his door getting opened and then he would get even more pissed.

 

 

“I'm home.” he announced and he watched Han turn around to face him. He had a dark look on his eyes.

 

 

“Are you fucking out of you damn stupid mind, boy?”

 

 

If there was something Kylo hated more than being called by his birth name that thing would be being called boy. Especially when his father would call him that using his favorite tone in the world: the one that said “you did some shit and now you are in big trouble”. He swallowed his fear and the annoying voice in his head telling him to run away and tried to act like he was ready for a fight.

 

 

“So now you lost your freaking tongue?”

 

“I have nothing to say.”

 

 

“Don't try and play that shit with me, Ben Solo.” 

 

 

“I have nothing to say.”

 

 

Han came close and he felt a slight urge to shrink, but he held it together and proudly sustained his father glare. “We've been looking for you for hours. Why is it impossible to you to consider that that are people over here that worry about you? Your mother is worried sick. Poe and Rey looked everywhere for you. Why don't you think about the others? Why are you such a self absorbed prick? You were irresponsible beyond any limits. You're not a child anymore, Ben Solo. You are old enough now. You have to start acting as an adult. Your mother and I will not be around forever for you to behave like an exigent  asshole . The world does not revolve around you. You're not the center of everybody's life so stop behaving like that. You care for nothing. I guess that in this dark childish mind of yours there is no space for you to care about your family because all you can think about it your giant ego...”

 

 

At that point, Kylo just stopped listening. He could see Han speaking and gesturing but all he could hear was his own breathing and the voice in his head. Inhale. Han hates him. Exhale. They all hate him. Inhale. Han hates him. Exhale. He was a freak. Inhale. He was better dead.

 

 

“Ben?”

 

 

Han's fingers were around his wrist and he sounded worried. And gosh, how much Kylo hated that condescending look on his face!

 

 

“Can I go to my room?”

 

 

Silence was sharp as a knife. Han's hand lost his grip and he let go of his son. Now that he was calming down, he was already regretting all the things he said.

 

 

“Ben...”

 

 

“I'm tired. Can I go to my room?”

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

He left his father with the bitter taste of failure in his mouth. It didn't matter the situation, somehow Kylo and him would never get along as well as they did before the accident. He grabbed the phone again and called Leia. Sitting on the top of the stairs, Kylo listened as his father explained everything to her and he thought that maybe Han Solo was right after all. He was self absorbed. And he was a prick. And they would all be better off without him.

 

 

Poe's hand on his shoulder was what brought him back to reality. “You know father get ridiculously mean when he gets worried, right?” he said, sitting beside his adoptive brother. Kylo shrugged. “Just don't let him get to you.”

 

 

“He didn't.”

 

 

“Right...”

 

 

“I mean it.”

 

 

“I believe you.”

 

 

He hated him. He hated Poe so much when he would go full Leia on him, trying to act all comprehensive and caring and loving when everything Kylo wanted was to be left alone. And he hated Poe for always trying to be there and give him comfort when every touch feels like maggots crawling under his skin.

 

 

The taller boy sighed. “I don't recall asking for your protection.”

 

 

“Alright!” the younger boy said, walking away. “You know what? It's been a very long day and I don't have time to deal with your bullshit.”

 

 

Kylo stood there in silence as his brother walked back to his own room. Why was it so hard for his family to understand that he needed some time alone? He inhaled until his lung was full. And then he exhale imagining all his frustrations and anxiety to be leaving his body just like that crappy little list his mother had gathered for him on how to deal with anxiety. It didn't help when you are some screw up disordered kid. He walked to his room and opened the door to find Rey laying on his bed.

 

 

“Oh, so you're finally home.”

 

 

“Rey. No. Out. Now.”

 

 

“Okay....rude!” she complained. The skinny girl walked up to him and rest her hand on his shoulder. “I was just worried about you. We all were.”

 

 

“I already had this conversation with Han. Just leave me alone for one sec-”

 

 

 

“I'm leaving already.”

 

 

When she was finally gone, he shut the door and put his chair against it so it couldn't be opened from the outside. Since the accident, he didn't have the right to have his bedroom keys for himself. Sinking on his mattress, he looked the ceiling like the answer to his prayers were hiding behind the many layers of band posters. And when Morpheus came to bless him with a dark dreamless night, he accepted the gift gladly and sank into the night.

 

 

He didn't hear anything else that night. He didn't hear when Rey knocked to ask if he was hungry. He didn't hear when Leia got home neither did he hear when she and Han had a mild argument about the earlier events. He didn't hear his mother calling his name outside the door and the next morning he would pleasantly pretend not to hear his own alarm clock if it wasn't for Han knocking on his door.

 

 

“Get up or you gonna get late!”

 

 

And he still managed to get late. When he got downstairs, Han was the only one sitting on the kitchen. “I can give you a ride...” he offered, but Kylo refused in the middle of his sentence.

 

 

“I'll walk.”

 

 

Walking for two blocks got him warm enough to run the last mile to the school and he still got there before the bell ring.

 

 

Straight to his class. No talking. No looking directly into people's eyes.

 

Kylo had a small part in himself that was glad his scar gave him such a scary look. Nobody dared to mess with him. Not that they ever did, but now he was more feared than respected. And it suited him just fine.

 

 

He walked into his classroom with his backpack hanging from his left shoulder and looking as annoyed as he always did. Phasma would say he had a resting furious face and she was completely right. She only saw the problem after Kylo walked over to her brother. Hux was sitting on a desk and using a chair as feet support. His back were turned to the door so he didn't have a change to predict Kylo's presence and when the taller one got by his side, he felt his stomach sink into an ice cold pool.

 

  
“That's my seat. Move.”

 

 

“Ask nicely.”

 

 

No. If asked, Hux would say he had no idea how he got the nerve to react that way. Especially because every time he sees Kylo or talk about him, he would get extremely nervous and would find himself completely unable to talk properly. But still, he did.

 

 

“I said **move**.”

 

 

“And I said **ask nicely**.”

 

 

They stared at each other and Phasma was divided between the reasonable part of her that begged her to step in before her brother could be destroyed and the other part that only asked her to stood back and watch where all that confrontation would lead them.

 

 

“Get off my fucking seat, Ronald McDonald!”

 

 

The younger boy rolled his eyes but finally got up, standing on the chair, he looked down on Kylo with disdain. “How old are you? Five?” he said before jumping to the ground.

 

 

“Six and a half.” Kylo answered just as he sat down.

 

“Real mature!” he bickered. Then he turned his attention to his sister. “I see you at lunch.” and walked away. He didn't realized he left Kylo with a soft smirk on his face and he even if he did, he wouldn't know that that was the first good response Kylo would show in a couple of days.

 

 

After Hux left, Kylo crossed his arms as he was expecting the girl to say something, but she didn't. He could feel her eyes on the back of his head and he was sure that, had her the power, his hair would be on fire by now. But she remained completely silent for the whole class.

 

 

In her defense, she would say something but the unshakeable conviction that Hux would want to peel her face off had him known she dared to stand up for him in such an unnecessary situation made her keep her thoughts to herself. Had she disregard Hux's feelings she would tell that stupid quarterback that it was not that big of a deal and that he didn't need to behave like a spoiled child.

 

She kept silent until the teacher called out her name.

 

 

“Phasma Lewis” she said, searching the list on her hand. “You're pairing up with....Ben Solo.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Protect Kylo Ren 2k16.

First thought than ran on her head was to wonder who the fuck was Ben Solo. It took her a second to realize it was the guy sitting just in front of her. Great. The rich kid. As long as he was not an asshole she could deal with him just right. She waited him to show any initiative but he acted like he didn't even realized his name was called out by the teacher. The tall blonde was divided again. After all, he should at least show some interest regarding the task. And she kept staring at the back of his head like she was trying to get it exploded with the force of her thoughts.

 

It didn't happen and soon the class was over. He lingered on his seat watching everyone else pretty much ran away from the biology class. Turning back he looked at the girl that would be his partner.

 

“When can we do it?” she asked all of a sudden. She was busy throwing her things on her backpack and he didn't realized she was aware of his presence. “Did you hear me or not? When can we do it?”

 

“Saturday, I think.” he answer. “If it's cool for you.”

 

“This Saturday is impossible to me. Can it be the next one?”

 

“Yeah. Sure.”

 

There was nothing else to say. Phasma would rather be sorted with someone else, but she wouldn't complain about him with no reason. Kylo secretly thought the same. If he could, he would do all by himself but since the professor was not very found of students who would go the extra mile just to avoid group projects, he didn't say a thing. And also, he didn't want it to look like he was rejecting the girl. He couldn't afford to hurt more people.

 

“Ok. See you.” she stood up, passed her right arm around some unknown girl's shoulder and walked away leaving him alone on the classroom.

 

He tried not to overthink about his homework and just breath. Everything would be ok. He didn't knew the girl properly, but he knew she had good grades and that was the only important thing at the moment. He didn't need friends. He need a good grade and he need to get his shit together as soon as possible.

 

“There you are.” Kylo lifted his head to look at his brother standing at the door. “Rey is worried. She is saving a seat for us at the cafeteria, are you coming?” 

The older boy just shrugged. “I'm not hungry.” he said, despite the empty stomach. Poe walked in with strong steps.

 

“You really need to stop acting like that, you know?” he said. “Come on. You need to eat. You need to stop getting stuck on your own depressing bubble.”

 

“I am not hungry.”

 

He thought about saying he was not stuck on a bubble but it was a lie. And Poe would never believe anyway. So he just said he was not hungry and hoped that his brother would get a clue and leave. Which he didn't.

 

“Do it for me. And if it's not for me, then for Rey.” he plead. He rest his hands on Kylo's desk and smiled. “And if it's not for her, then do it because it's pizza Thursday and I know you can't say no to pizza.”

 

Good point. Poe knew he had hit the right point because Kylo's mouth twitched a little.

 

“Pizza here is horrible.” the older boy said. But he still got up.

 

“It's still pizza, Ben. Don't start a drama!”

 

Sometimes Poe would feel like he was in fact the older brother. Ben had never been someone prone to protect others and after all that happened, he was left in such a bad state that Poe couldn't help but want to nurture and defend him. They walked side by side in silence with the long glares Poe would give him and the frenetic movements of Kylo's tongue against his lips because he wanted to say something – anything – so Poe would see he was trying. So Poe would believe him and so he would stop saying that he was keeping himself on a close bubble. But there was nothing to say and they get to the cafeteria before he could let out anything.

 

Poe probably lecture their cousin because Rey didn't come start a conversation about him. She seemed to be a little too much concentrated on something that he didn't know what was. Her pizza slice was in front of her, half bitten, lying still as she got lost on he own thoughts.

 

A voice in his head said he should probably start a conversation. And a second latter, the same voice said it was a waste of time. Nobody wanted to talk to him so he should just shut up and eat his cold tasteless pizza. And wait for the time to pass because he felt so stupid sitting there in silence watching the others eat and relax and being so aware that – somehow – everyone else was watching and talking about him.

 

“Are they dating?” Rey stared at him with her arguing eyes. He seemed pretty clueless so she pointed Phasma sitting two tables from them. “She is in your class, right?”

 

“She is.” he answered looking over to Phasma who was sitting besides the unknown girl with her arm now around the girl's waist. “I don't know who that other girl is, though.”

 

“Are they together?” she asked. That was something on her voice that triggered Poe. He looked genuinely surprised.

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Do you care?” Poe asked.

 

She shrugged and bit her pizza before answering. “It just doesn't seem right.” 

 

“Are you still mad at her?” Rey looked at her cousin without having a right answer.

 

“I'm not mad. I don't know. She just doesn't fit with anyone.” she explained. “She is like a demonic being that should not be allowed to date normal people. She is a weirdo!”

 

Her emphasis made Poe giggle. “You're the only high school girl who is obsessed with advanced mechanics. You don't have the right to call other people weird.” and when she flipped him off, Kylo smirked.

 

Weird.

He could be considered a weird too.

Or better saying, dysfunctional. 

He wondered if Rey thought the same about him.

If everyone else thought the same about him. That he was a weirdo and that he shouldn't be allowed to be with other people. He could feel the knot growing on his throat so he took a deep breath and tried to refocus. Before the others on his table could notice what was happening.

 

He came back to reality with a soft bump on his arm. He looked at Rey confused. “Look” she said in a low voice. “He is texting again. He has been buried on his phone for weeks now. Do you think he is dating someone?”

 

“I think you're pretty obsessed with dating.” he teased. Obviously, she looked crossed. “You should get a boyfriend or something.” and he smiled. A full smile. How could she get mad at that? She would say something else but right at the moment, Phasma passed over their table and exchanged glances with Kylo. She gave him a soft nod and Kylo did the same.

 

“You didn't mention you talked to her.” his cousin said.

 

“I have to. She is my partner in biology.”

 

Rey liked the news much less than Hux. When Phasma told him her new biology partner was Kylo Ren, he thought she was joking.

 

“I'm not joking.” she said. She couldn't say a lot because Jessica was just by her side and her brother would kill her if she mentioned his crush on Ren, but Hux was aware there would be a lot of teasing as soon as they got some time alone. “Jessica is my witness! Tell him!”

 

Hux looked over trying to find the dark haired boy around the cafeteria but he wasn't there. He only saw his cousin sitting by herself and he thought maybe she was saving his seat so Hux had to pretend he wasn't looking and expecting Kylo to show up. Jessica and Phasma were deeply involved in some conversation that Hux couldn't care less. He bit his own sandwich and look up again in the exact moment Kylo walked in with Poe. Hux felt his stomach turn into ice. There he was, walking carelessly, fixing his hair behind his ear. Being so damn perfect that Hux wanted to walk straight to him, slap his beautiful face, push him against the wall and kiss him for a week. Nonstop.

 

He scratch his head. Maybe he was getting a little bit involved on all that Ren drama. Honestly, Kylo was not that big deal, maybe Hux was craving sex so much just because it had been a while since he had some action on that matter. Maybe all he needed was a good one night stand and all that lust he put on Kylo would be gone in a blink of an eye.  
The good thing about having Kylo as a crush was that fortunately he was not on Hux's classes. And the redheaded boy would always be grateful for that. If, by chance, he changed places with Phasma, Hux had no idea who he would be able to pay attention to his class. Somehow, Kylo would always drag the younger boy's eyes to him. He could be at the other side of the room and still drag Hux's attention with a mere smile.

 

Which was annoying and pretty ridiculous on Hux's opinion. Later, when school was finally over, Phasma showed up by his side with a large smile.

 

“Don't even start!” he adverted.

 

“What? I was just about to ask how are you handling the idea that you're going to see Kylo Ren next saturday?” she teased. He seemed annoyed already and it pleased her so much. Hux rolled his eyes to her and kept walking. “Come on! You should be at least a little bit excited about it. Com'on, Armitage!”

 

Speaking his name had the effect she was looking for. His face got all red and he looked at her dead serious. “Don't. Call me. Armitage.” he said, as an order. “And stop teasing me, ok? I don't find it pleasant that that guy is coming to our house.” he managed to keep his voice low so people on the streets wouldn't know what they were talking about. “You know how I feel about him. Can't you guys do it somewhere else? Why can't you go to his place?”

 

“Seriously, Hux, why are you freaking out? Com'on is just some guy you find attractive. It's not the end of the world. Enjoy your opportunity.” she said. “It's not like you are a poor virgin and he is your first love. Just stop worrying.”

 

She was right and he hated to admit it.

 

“You know what? I plan to drop juice on his shirt so he will have to change it. And, if you get lucky, you'll get to see him half naked.”

 

“Are you out of your mind?” The ginger couldn't help but let out a laugh. “What the hell is wrong with you today?” but his sister just shrugged. 

 

“I just think you should ask him out, you know?” she explained. “Maybe if you go out with him, you'll finally get over this crush on him.”

 

“I think you like to forget that he isn't gay just to hurt me.”

“I think you are over dramatic.” she teased again.

 

She got to tease him around, always saying little jokes and giving him looks for the days that preceded the infamous Saturday. When he came downstairs on said day, she was grinning.

 

“Please. It's 8 a.m.” Hux moaned, serving himself a glass of juice. “Stop being a bully.”

 

“I didn't say a thing. I literally didn't say a word!” 

 

He knew she was about to drop some sassy remark but Hux had no intention to start an argument. “Anyway...what time does he come?”

 

“At 10.”

 

“Ok.” 

 

At 10, the bell ringed and Kylo Ren was standing at their door. As she opened the door and let him in, Phasma noticed the dark circles under his eyes. “You seem tired.”

 

He shrugged. Hands inside his pockets. Bag hanging on his left shoulder. “Insomnia.” he said. The blonde noticed he was pale too and the hoarse voice denounce how much he needed to sleep. But he managed to keep himself up and actually put a lot of effort on the assignment. He put all he got into that task and one hour later, he was drained. He pushed himself away from the pile of paper and rubbed his eyes. “This is worse than I thought it would be.”

 

“We still have to do the freaking diorama.”

 

“WE HAVE TO MAKE A DIORAMA?” it was a half groan mixed with a scream and it made her eyes open wide. “Sorry. I lost my cool for a moment.”

 

It was enough to make her laugh. She hid her eyes with a hand and giggled while he watched her.

 

“This whole assignment is a mistake.” she said. “Come on, we are old enough to stop making dioramas.”

 

“I can't agree more.” Kylo rested his head on the table, closing his eyes. If he could get at least ten minutes of sleep, he would feel so much better. 

 

He yawned and Phasma thought he look really cute. Still not her type considering he had a dick and everything, but really cute indeed. “Are you hungry?”

 

“A little.”

 

“Well. My fridge is full of leftover, if you don't mind, of course, you can stay for lunch.”

 

It was the first time he was invited for lunch in someone's house and it felt both awkward and exciting. He opened his eyes and Phasma was already in the kitchen. He could see her from the dining room. She was taking little boxes from the kitchen. “We have Orange chicken, some really old yakisoba that I advise you not to ingest, some incredibly good meatloaf my brother made yesterday and some shifty lasagna I tried to made but it ended up just being pasta with minced meat.”

 

“I think I'll go with the meatloaf.”

 

“Wise choice.” she said. “Can you put the.....you know what, never mind. HUX!”

 

One minute later, the ginger boy walked down the stairs. “What?” 

 

“Set the table for us.” she said. “Kylo is joining us for lunch. He chose your meatloaf. Lets see if he gets food poisoned.”

 

“She likes to tease me about my cooking skills.” the ginger boy said as he put the cutlery on the spot. Hux eyes meet Kylo's and he froze for a second. The brunet was smiling and it was so sweet Hux had goosebumps. He looked away, praying that his cheeks didn't turn red. “Anyway, this is my seat. You should move.”

“Oh, sorry.” he tryied to move to get away, but Hux's hands on his shoulder kept him sitting.

 

“I was just....it was a joke.” he said. This time, a faint reddish tone covered his face. “You know....because of that time on scho-....never mind.” he walked back to the kitchen with his face burning.

 

“Why are you all red?” his sister asked in a whisper. “What did you do to him?”

 

“It's nothing. Shut. up.”

 

He tried to avoid Phasma's eyes for the whole meal. Kylo was not really good at keeping a conversation, Hux could notice that, but he really act really cool and polite.

 

“It's really good.” he said at some point and the younger boy felt his cheek get a little bit warmer.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Phasma was delighted. It was like watching a social experience. She smirked noticing Hux's cheeks were getting flustered. That crush was really taking a tool on him. It was cute and worrying mixed together. And is she was worried, Hux was beyond that. Because that was not his natural. Feeling silly and getting flustered and a complete inability to make flirtatious jokes were not his natural. This self imposed abstinence was definitely being the worst things he ever decided on doing because now he was sitting there, finding Kylo Ren incredibly adorable and wanting to kiss him so much and he knew it had to do with the fact that he hadn't kiss anyone in ages. And it was so frustrating.

 

“You don't have to do the dishes.” Phasma said to the taller boy. After the meal was over, Kylo was polite enough to offer help. Now he was in front of the sink, his sleeves were pulled up and he had a strain of hair falling over his face. “And seriously, you gonna get your hoadie all wet.” it was a little bit funny to watch him try to do the dishes, but he clearly didn't have much experience on that and he looked exhausted anyway. 

 

The blonde thought that nobody with a minimal experience in such thing would choose to wash the dishes with their hoadie on. She crossed her arm, resting her hip against the kitchen counter. Hux got back to the kitchen with the rest of the dirty dishes.

 

“You gonna get your sleeves wet.” he said, putting the plates in the counter he turned back to Kylo and softly pushed him away. “Let me do this. I wash and you dry.” the eldest just nod, giving him space. He didn't say a thing and neither did Hux. And both boys didn't realize Phasma was long gone before they end up with the dishes. The ginger boy tossed him the dishcloth after he had dried up his hands.

 

Kylo mimicked him and sight. “I should get back to the assignment.” he said and Hux nod. “I really enjoyed the food.” the last statement put a little smirk on Hux's lips and he looked away before letting it grow a little bigger. Later he would realize he didn't say thank you to the older boy and it would make him feel foolish. But at that moment, all he could think was that Kylo could thank him with a kiss. Or maybe he could press him against the kitchen counter and fuck him until he was breathless.

 

He looked down knowing so damn well his face was getting all red and he watched with the corner of his eye when Kylo excused himself and left. Hux grabbed the border of the counter trying to recompose himself. He bit his bottom lips and watched as Kylo and his sister got back to their work. He disappeared into his room before they could notice.

 

On the dining room, things were walking slowly. 

 

“We can do this tomorrow if you feeling so tired.” Phasma said, at some point. She noticed Kylo was having some trouble with the blue paint and the Styrofoam and the cards and the incredible mess that was the table. He had been with his eyes closed for more than three minutes and he only opened them up because she start talking. 

 

“I'm good.” he said. But the long yawn he let out right after made clear he was completely exhausted. He massaged his neck, closing his eyes again, and stretched it to both sides. The he stretched his arms up enjoying the painful like feeling of his back muscles extending and contracting. “But I won't oppose if you feel like taking a break.” he added later, with a smirk.

 

“I think twenty minutes won't hurt anything.” she said before they moved to the living room and she turned on the xbox so she could play something and rest his mind. “Wanna play?”

 

Kylo just shook his head, trying to get comfy at the couch. “Suit yourself.” he didn't know if was just his tiredness or if the game's soundtrack lulled him to sleep, but the fact wast that, when he woke up, he was lying on the couch. Someone had given him a pillow and put a blanket over him. Kylo felt his face burn in shame. The room was dim illuminated only buy the faint light of the tv and the light from the dining room.

 

“Do you think we should wake him up?” he heard someone say.

 

“I don't know. He just felt asleep. Maybe he is tired. Let him sleep.”

 

“I mean....he has to wake up. I don't know.”

 

“He will. Eventually.”

 

Hux stared at her. “Come on. Don't be so serious.”

 

“I just think you should go and check on him.” he said. He was busy peeling potatoes and he didn't see Kylo coming up. “You know...just so we know he isn't dead.”

 

“I'm not.”

 

In a moment of surprise, the knife missed his target and ended up cutting Hux's finger. “FUCK!” dropping the knife and the potatoes aside, he let his finger bathe on cold water to wash the cut. Surprised and right behind him, Kylo was apologizing. “It's ok. It happens all the time.” he said. Phasma was already standing a band aid which he gladly took and covered the wounded place. “Seriously...” he said again, when he turned around to meet Kylo's worried face. “It happens all the time.”

 

They showed him their band aid collection. “My father is a chef.” the blonde said. “So we always get first aid kits on the kitchen.”

 

“Ah...”

 

“And I have to say that he managed to get his fingers cut more less than all of us together.” Hux said. He had turned his attention back to the potatoes. And Kylo watched, enchanted, the atmosphere on the kitchen. It was warm and cozy and he felt more in peace there than he could ever feel back home.

Home!

 

He anxiously grabbed his phone on his pocket. 5 missed calls from his father.

 

0 missed call from his mother. He was safe.

 

The screen showed him it was passed 7 p.m and probably Leia was already home. He cursed in a rushed tone. There would be some nagging but he was used to his father freaking out every time he didn't answer his phone. Just like magic, his phone buzzed again. The screen showed Poe's face. Typical of his father to get Poe to do the dirty job.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you alive and well?” the voice on the other side asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Great. Father is freaking out. Come home.” he didn't wait for Kylo to say anything else and just hung up.

 

The tall boy rubbed his face. “I should get going.” he said to the others. He got his backpack that was lying under the table and gathered his supplies. “Can we finish it tomorrow?”

 

“Sure.” Phasma said. “Don't you wanna stay for dinner? I mean...you already here, anyways.”

 

“I should really get going.” he said, apologetically. “My family is starting to freak out.”

 

“Come on...is not like you went missing.” 

 

“Yeah. Try to say that to Han Solo.” he said. “He is always thinking that me and my brother are going to get kidnapped someday.”

 

“He seems to be...protective.”

“I think obsessed fits him better.” he fixed a lock of hair behind his right ear. His phones buzzed again. “Do you want me to help you out with the mess?”

 

“It's cool.”

 

“I really have to go.” he said again. He fingers were pattering on the backpack's strap. “I'm sorry.”

 

“I'll walk you out.” 

 

“Thanks for the food.” he said to Hux before he left. Kylo followed the blonde back to the door.

 

“Did you come driving?” she asked. When he denied, she raised her eyebrow. “How are you going home?”

 

“I'll take the bus.” he said. The incredulous look on her face made him smile. “What? Thought the rich kid didn't know how to do it?”

 

“Got me.”

 

“I've been riding bus since I was old enough to walk.” he told her.

 

“That's....kinda unbelievable.”

 

“I know.”

 

She grabbed her keys and opened the door to let him out. “I'll walk Kylo to the bus stop!” she yelled to her brother.

 

“Ok!” Hux yelled back. “See you tomorrow, Ren.”

 

“See you...”

 

Phasma walked him to the bus stop in silence. He was hoping she didn't notice how lame he was on keeping a conversation, but if she did, she didn't mention. When his bus came, he worried to leave her alone. And as if she was reading his mind, she said. “You can go. It's only twenty meters from my house. I'll be fine.”

 

Hesitating, he got the bus. “See you tomorrow!” he said, before paying the ticket. When he looked back, after he took a seat and the bus was already mooving, she was running back home.

 

He face his phone again and sighed. It would be a big lecturing when he got home. On the screen a big 8:45 were telling him that he had abused his luck. Han would probably be very pissed and Kylo could almost hear his words echoing on his head. When he got home, not even Leia's car on the garage gave him some peace. He walked in ready for battle and when it didn't come, he felt lost. Han was not waiting for him.

 

Instead, sitting on the chair and sipping camomile tea, Leia was waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only say that i'm sorry.  
> And i'm sleepy.
> 
> I really appreciate if you guys can leave me your opinion. Srsly. Like....any comment. Just howl back so I know I'm not to the void. ♥


	3. Chapter 3

“Sit down, darling.”

 

The tall boy inhaled deeply but didn't move. He watched as Leia took another sip of her tea. She was calm and soft and sweet and yet he could feel all her power by the way he hand was holding the cup.

 

“Benjamin, sit down.” she said once again. And he knew she had no time for games and that he should shut up and sit, but still he kept his distance.

 

“I'm sorry.” he said. He crossed his arms like he was protecting himself from her.

 

“What are you sorry for?” she asked. It was some of the most annoying thing every mother knew exactly how to do. She could see he was pissed but still, she remained in silence, waiting for him to give her and explanation.

 

“I don't know.” shrugging, he sighed. “For whatever the reason you want me to be sorry.”

 

It was Leia's time to sigh. She left her cup on the center table and got up. Kylo shuddered when his mother walked towards him. She was little enough to have to look up to face him but it didn't chance the fact that she was a terrifying woman. Her hands held upon Kylo's hoodie and she seemed both stressed out and sad. “My boy.” she lamented. “My boy.”

 

He could feel his lips trembling. And even though he wanted to hug her and say he was sorry, he did nothing. He stayed completely motionless while she looked at him waiting for a reaction.

 

“Where have you been all day?” she finally asked when the silence started to feel overwhelming.

 

“I was studying.” he looked at her and she had an incredulous look on her eyes. “I swear to you. I was studying. I had an assignment to do. A biology one. What? You don't believe me?! Do you wanna search my bag for drugs or what?”

She reached out for his face with both her hands and he didn't realized he had bend in until her warm hands were cupping his cheeks. “I do believe you, baby.” she smiled softly and caressed his skin with both her thumbs. “I do believe you and I'm glad you are taking your education more seriously. But I do wish you were more careful with your whereabouts and I do wish you could answer the phone when we call you. You got us all worried about you today.”

 

His big hands involved her delicate wrists and he pulled away from her warm grasp.

 

“I'm sorry for that.” 

 

“Don't run away from me, Ben.” it was a mix of a request and a demand. They stared at each other for a moment until he couldn't bear it anymore.

 

“I'm not running. I'm just tired.” letting go of her hands, he backed away from her reach “If you're done, I'm going to my room.”

 

Leia said to herself that she should say something, but again she was never sure what to say to him. It was like her own son was made of sand and no matter how hard she tried, she could never keep him safe on her hands. Her trembling hands hold her arms in a lonely hug as she looked around on the depressingly empty living room and shivered. When did all come to this?

 

Kylo was shivering too. Unlike the other day, nobody came to talk or to be supportive or for anything else in that matter. He closed the door and faced the loneliness of his own room. And it felt like cold water on his lungs. He tossed his phone somewhere before collapsing to bed.

 

He woke up to Poe walking in trying not to make any noise. He looked around for a while and scratched the back of his head.

 

“What?” the sleepy hoarse voice of his older brother came from under the covers and actually managed to scare him a little. He turned around to face Ben, even though he had no idea where his face was.

 

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

 

“You did.” he answered with a smirk. He kept his eyes close to avoid the thin fray of clarity.

 

“I'm looking for my copy of Frankenstein. Did you got it?”

 

“I didn't even know you got a copy of Frankenstein, Poe.” he moaned, turning his back to his brother. “In fact, I wasn't even sure you could read.” he didn't mean to be offensive and was very pleased when Poe didn't take it as one. The younger boy only toss him a pillow that was lying on the ground and told him to fuck off.

 

“Maybe you should get up and stop being grumpy.” he added, ready to leave the room. “It's 1 p.m after all.”

 

Kylo sit up in a jump, his eyes wide open. He probably had the funniest face because when he started to look for his phone, Poe was laughing, holding himself on the door. “Oh, brother. You should have seen your face!”

 

“FUCK OFF, POE!”

 

His face flustered with anger and he tossed his pillow only for it to meet the door and fall back to the floor. His eager fingers found his phone under his bed and when the screen showed him the time, he was even more pissed. What kind of disturbed person comes around people's room at 7 a.m on a Sunday morning?

 

He groaned and try to get back to sleep, but it was useless. Crossed, he got up and stretched himself. He had a lot of things to do and he could use a good mood and some focus, so he took a long shower, letting the hot water run down his hair.

 

“Focus!” he said to his reflection in the mirror was he walked out of the shower.   
On the other side, his face looked back with a blank expression. His skin looked pale and frail and he got bags under his eyes that denounced how much he needed to rest properly. “Just stay focus!” he watched himself say as if just by repeating, he could actually start to believe it. 

 

The red scar was vividly as a fat red snake eternally sleeping on his face. Down on his body, a couple of very thin scars were dancing around a far more big one on his torso, all of them varying from a reddish to a brownish tone. His fingertips traced the big scar on his chest. There were so many memories he would like to erase from his mind and those scars were the top of the list. He could deal with the one on his chest, but the one on his face was always there to remind him that he wasn't normal anymore.

 

He wasn't exactly normal before, he wonder.

 

He would have to learn to live with it. Just like it says in all those books about how to deal with trauma that Leia bought when all that shit happened. He had to deal with it and keep living. But it was much harder to do than to say, indeed. But he had to try. Try and get better. Try and keep living and then, maybe, when Leia and Han, and the rest of his family look at him, they would see a person and not a person-shaped time-bomb that was ready to explode at any given moment. So they would stop to suffocate him. The steam was still filling the bathroom and fogging the mirror, where now his reflection was nothing more than an opaque abstract painting. “Just be normal and try not to fall sleep on people's house.” he said to his foggy self and he got ready to leave.

 

When he opened the door to his room, the steam dissipated. He looked over the piles of shoes and clothes for his black combat boots that he remembered to toss somewhere. His alarm clock went off at 8:30 when he finally found his boots and the red numbers on the vintage digital clock on his bedside table turned to 9 when he was finally ready to leave. He checked his pockets for cigarettes as he walked down the stairs and was painfully reminded that he still didn't buy them. At the kitchen, Rey was the only one sitting on the table, looking somewhat between crossed and bored. She had two toast on he plate and a glass full of juice in front of it and she didn't seem to be hungry hence the fact that she was engaged to cut little pieces of her toast with her fingers.

 

“Where is everyone?” Kylo asked. He walked in to the fridge to find something he could eat fast and not be too late to leave the house.

 

“Aunt Leia left early with uncle Han. They left a note on the fridge. And Poe had a date so he left too and I see you going out as well so...yeah...I'll be by myself the whole day because no one remembered to make plans with me.” she said, bitterly. The tall boy turned around to see her and she was busy angrily turning her toast to crumbs. “What?”

 

“Nothing.” he said. Kylo was aware that engaging a conversation with her when she was pissed off was not the smartest of moves.

 

“It's not PMS.”

“I didn't say it was.”

 

“Good. Because if anyone else even suggests that I'm pmsing I'll seriously lose my mind.”

 

“Ok” he whispered under his breath. “I'm sorry you have to stay alone all day.”

 

“It's fine.” she murmured, her fingertips still playing with the crumbs on her plate. “It's not like I care.” it was funny the way she shrugged and avoid to look at his face because she knew her cousin would be smiling. “I don't, ok? Just go away. You're probably late anyway.”

 

“Actually, I am.” Kylo admitted. He sat besides her filled his glass with orange juice and drank it in one sip. He looked over to the cousin he had like another baby sister. “We can do something together later.” his suggestion brought a smile to her pouting lips. He surprisingly realized his lips were stretching into a thin almost smile too. “But now I do have to go.”

 

“Try to answer the phone this time, ok?” she asked when her cousin was almost leaving. “I don't wanna see them arguing again.”

 

He froze. “They were arguing?” 

 

“They argue all the time, Ben.” she said. All her attention was back to her toast crumbs and she didn't noticed the way Kylo's back tensioned. 

 

“I didn't know that.” he said. His hands started to sweat and his head started to spin. “I thought they were settled by now.”

 

“Everybody argue, Ben.”

 

He left as fast as he could not wanting to spend anymore time thinking about his parents situation. The fresh air and the sunlight worked a lot on his mood and he was feeling quite better when he got to Phasma's place. Kylo was aware of his lateness so he was ready to apologize when the blonde opened the door but he got surprised by the ginger boy who now was standing in front of him.

“Hi.” the ginger swerved left so Kylo would have room to pass. He was holding the door open with one hand and holding a cereal bowl on the other one. ”Come in” and he explained as the other did “She is on the phone.” he leaded Kylo back to the table on the dining room where the taller boy sat, dumping his backpack on the floor. Hux sat on the chair in front of him, eyes on his breakfast, voraciously eating. At a point, he seemed to realized he got Kylo's attention because he looked up to find the taller one staring right at him. “What?”

 

“Nothing.” he said, shrugging and smirking.

 

“I'm hungry.”

 

“I'm not judging.” he rose his hands like he was defending himself.

 

“Why are you staring then?” Hux said. He hid his little smile pretty well but lowering his head until Kylo couldn't see his face.

 

“I'm sorry.” the older said. He tried to look away for a while but his eyes kept being drag to the ginger boy. He was quite pleasant to look at with his old green shirt that made his hair brighten up and his clear eyes that Kylo wasn't sure to be either blue or green.

 

“Really....stop staring.” he said. This time he was facing Kylo and his smile was a little bigger so the brunet noticed. “Do you want some? There is more in the kitchen. Suit yourself.”

 

“I'm not hungry.” he said. He passed his left hand on his hair, disentangling some locks. “I'm sorry for staring.” he wasn't really, but it felt like the right thing to do. 

 

Much for his surprise, Hux didn't seem to be upset. The younger boy shrugged and look away. “It's ok.” he didn't have time to say anything else because Phasma was already coming down. She greeted Kylo with a big smile. 

 

“Sorry I took too long.” she said, sitting down. She then proceed to talk about all the things they have to get done this day and Hux took this moment to leave without getting noticed. Away, in the kitchen, he breath out deeply. Trying to remain calm when every single action Kylo did was like a red warning on his pants were really difficult. He watched from afar as Kylo tried to disentangle the knots on his hair with his finger and Hux was pretty sure that there was nothing he wanted more at that given moment than to bury his own fingers on Kylo's dark hair and moan the elder’s name on Kylo's ear. He could feel a cold sting on his stomach and how the hair on his arms were getting bristle. 

 

He surely was staring but what else could he do? Kylo Ren was in his house, acting all comfortable and being as outgoing as Hux thought he could be, and still fighting the knots on his hair and it was amazing to see. Sighing, the ginger boy turned his back to the dining room and focused on the beige wall of his kitchen. Maybe he should go out so the fresh air could help him get a straight face and stop blushing whenever Kylo's eyes met his.

 

“YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDING ME!” 

 

Phasma's voice fill the house as a thunder. He turned around to see his sister's red face and angry fists. At first, Hux thought that all her anger was directed towards Kylo but as he got close, he realized she was actually screaming at her computer whose screen was blue now. Kylo looked shocked and she was rubbing her hands on her already red face making it far worse. 

 

“We were almost done! Com'on!”

 

“What did you do?” Hux made the mistake of asking. 

 

“I did nothing.” The way her eyes glare at him was a perfect indication that he should say nothing else. “I was tipping this freaking stupid assignment and then, all of a sudden, it just....” she turned the computer off again and rest her forehead on the table. “Un-fucking-believeable.” 

 

“Did you try to turn off and turn on back again?”

 

“IT'S NOT FUCKING TURNING ON, ARMITAGE!”

 

There was no words to describe the scarlet vibrant tone that colored Hux's cheeks. His eyes spread wide open and he nervously avoid Kylo's eyes. “I am trying to help you, Satan's spawn.” he muttered.

 

“Ok. Ok. I'm sorry.” she said.

 

Kylo, who had been awfully quiet this whole time, cleared his throat, getting their attention. “I'm not actually sure, but if you want, my cousin can take a look at it for you.” he said “I mean, she is pretty good with electronics so maybe she can fix it.”

 

“Really?!” the siblings seem excited. “You really think your cousin can fix it?”

 

“Well...she can try, right?” he said. Kylo smiled right back to Hux qhen the ginger one sat beside him and gifted the taller with a warm smile.

 

Phasma's enthusiasm was not that big. She had her arms crossed and looked annoyed. “Do you mean that girl or do you have another cousin?”

 

“No, I mean Rey.”

 

“She's not gonna want to do it.” the blonde whined. “She hates me! I don't even know why, but she actually hates me!”

 

Kylo couldn't say she was wrong but he managed to convince Phasma to at least try so they packed everything they thought they would need and head out. “You're sure you don't wanna come?” the dark haired boy asked when they were leaving. 

 

The ginger shrugged “I still have my own homework to do so...I'll pass.” in the end, all he wanted was to get rid of Kylo so he could bury himself on his bed and die from the shame of knowing that, now, Kylo knew his first name and that it was not a pretty one.

 

When they left, Kylo's curiosity got the best of him. “Is his name really Armitage?”

 

Phasma bit her lip. “Well...I'm not supposed to be talking about it, but yes.” she finally said after a few moments of silence. “He is not very found of it so, if you could please not mention it in front of him, it would be great!”

 

The ride to Kylo's place was fill with the stories Phasma told him and he payed great attention to all of them. Mostly they were about her and Hux going into some bold adventure as kids. He could remember to be bold as well when he was younger. His knees were always red of bleeding and he managed to get his arms and legs broken at least once. But that happened a long time ago, when he was not so numb and when the world was not so hazy and gray. He couldn't imagine what it was like to feel like that nowadays. No. Nowadays everything was cigarettes and alcohol and trying to keep his head off the water so he wouldn't drown.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked. “You seem to get really pale for a moment.”

 

“I'm cool.” he mumbled. They walked from the bus stop to his house in silence. She was watching the neighborhood with uneasiness. The houses were getting bigger and fancier with their big green lawn before them and fancy cars on their garages. Even the air seemed to be more sophisticated. She should be used to all the pretentious look she was getting from the people on the sidewalk but Phasma couldn't help the urgent need to run she was getting. She knew far too well how rich people use to treat immigrants like her father and how they think less of anyone who was not as wealthy as they are.

 

When Kylo pointed his home with a nod, she felt relieved.

 

“My parents are....somewhere doing God's know what.” he anticipated her question. “Com'on. I think Rey is on her room.”

 

“I can wait for you here.”

 

“Living room is over there” he said, pointing his right. “Make yourself comfortable.” he then tried to find Rey upstairs but she was nowhere to be fund. Must to his surprise, when he walked back to meet Phasma, his cousin were waiting for him with some very annoyed expression. “I was looking for you.”

 

She just lifted her left eyebrow to him.

 

“Can you take a look at my friends comp-”

 

“No.”

 

“Rey.”

 

“I'm busy.”

 

“Excuse us for a moment.” he dragged his cousin to the kitchen against her complains. “Com'on, Rey. Stop being rude. Why can't you help us out?”

 

“I said I am busy.”

 

“Rey...please...her computer just shut off and all our work is in there.”

 

She was crossed but eventually gave in and they walked back to the living room. “I'll see what I can do.” she said to the tall blonde girl, who answered with a little smirk.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Blushing, the short girl turned around. “Don't thank me.” when she left, Kylo and Phasma stared at each other.

 

“Well, I think it did go well.” the blonde said. She watched as Kylo made a noise that resembled a giggle and sat down besides her. Was the first time she ever saw him do something that could be compared to a faint laugh.

 

“I don't know why she is so pissed off with you.”

 

“Well, you and me both.” Phasma said. “I do even remember having a proper conversation with her.” she shrugged, her left hand massaging her nape. “So, what we do now? I mean, we still have to make that crazy diorama and shit.”

 

“Yeah...but there is no use if we lost all the research on your drive.” she was visibly stressed out and he didn't know how to make things better. He was not stupid and he could see by the house she lived in that their lifestyle was quite different. He didn't ask but he was sure that the blonde sitting besides him as well as her brother were relying on a scholarship program to be able to attend his school. He was not naïve about his own privileges. And that was the plain reason why Phasma seemed to be so upset and Kylo actually didn't bother that much. 

 

The worse case scenario to him was losing his position as the quarterback but beside the team, there was nothing else to lose.

 

At some point, she sighed and bowed her head. “Dude, we're so screwed.” 

 

She was happy to be wrong. Thirty minutes later Rey got back downstairs to give the tall girl her laptop. “Here. I think it will hang on for a while but you should really get yourself a new one.” and she left before Phasma could say thank you. 

 

After all that crisis, everything else went much more smoothly. They ended up the diorama faster than they think and before Kylo could notice, Phasma was already saying goodbye and getting her bus back home. When he got back to his almost empty house, she wished her to be there. Finally he had someone he could talk to that wouldn't see him as a grenade or as his disorders alone. Maybe he could still work out this whole making friends thing even though he was just some good-for-nothing little shit right now.

 

As the week passed slowly, Kylo found out that having lunch with Phasma and Hux were far more interesting and funny than spending said time with his brother and cousin. And Rey didn't take it exactly well. She watched as her cousin walked to his new friend's table and sat besides the ginger boy with a smile for the third time this week. She paid careful attention to him while pretending to acknowledge nothing more than her own lunch. Everyone else on her table was loud and annoying and her boys were both gone. Poe had got himself up somewhere and Kylo had left her for his new friends.

 

“Your cousin is sitting all by herself.” Hux pointed out. He was still quite impressed Kylo Ren was sitting at his table. He didn't need to be so starstruck by the other boy cause after all, Hux was the soccer team's captain. But again, Kylo was the quarterback and the ginger knew it had some impact on everyone else on school. He bit his lower lip. Phasma turned her head so see it too. “You should go and sit with her.” there was a second of silence before Hux realized what he had just said but it was already too late because Kylo got up nodding and grabbed his lunch with a faint smile.

 

“You are right.” he said, before leaving.

 

He was far away enough when Phasma turned her angry glare to her brother. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she asked in an enraged low husky voice. “He was right beside you, you dumb head!”

 

“I know. I know. I know!” he answered, bowing his head.

 

“How wronged you, ginger?” she sighed. “Like, seriously, brother...what the fuck?!”

 

“I panicked, ok?” he confessed. He rubbed his face and watched, between his fingers, as Kylo sat besides Rey and they engaged a conversation. “I was going to say that he should ask her to sit with us but then I thought that she might not want to sit with us. And maybe he wouldn't want her to do so because maybe it would be like merging our tables and they would feel like it would create an obligation for them to sit with us every day and may-”

 

“Tage...it's the school cafeteria. It's not the fucking mob!” she said. “Seriously, who wronged you?”

 

“I'm sorry.” he said with a sigh. Kylo was now deep into his conversation but, for a slipt of a second, his eyes turned back to Hux's direction and the stare at each other in awe. The younger boy tried really hard to avoid blushing, but the annoying red tone still tainted his pale cheeks. 

 

Kylo couldn't help but feel a cold pinch on his stomach “He is probably just relieved you left.” the voice in his head said. “How come you keep fooling yourself, boy?” sometimes the voice in his head would assume a tone very close to his father's. He looked down to his half eaten meal and felt like throwing up. His eyes got stuck on Hux's vivid hair as the younger one avoid his eyes like it was the devil and it was painful because once again, he felt the ones he was willing to call friends slip through his fingers. “Such a good-for-nothing boy.” the voice mocked him and it words echoed on every small piece of his brain.

 

The voice on his head kept yelling for the rest of the day. It kept nagging as Phasma tried to make amends to him, it kept going on was he head to PE. Class and it was still going on during his practice. The coach even gave him some sort of a lecture for not getting his mind on the game. If only that annoying voice could be silent for a moment, he would be ok.

 

“Ren.”

 

Kylo was heading to the locker room after his match. As usual, he was the last one to go in so he could have the space for himself. It wasn't about not wanting to share it but much more about not wanting to be seen with his clothes off. The horrendous decorative lines on his body were the sole reason to keep his clothes on. He cock his head to the side to find Hux on his soccer clothes, standing with his arms crossed, waiting for him across the locker room's door. The taller boy rose an eyebrow in surprise.

 

“Hm...earlier today.” the ginger began. He was unsure if he should get close to the quarterback or just keep his distance. Decided for the later as he was not sure he could keep himself from blushing again. “I didn't mean to tell you to leave.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Right.” Hux was not sure what else he was expecting so, before he could make a fool of himself again, he smiled and left, but the warm shameful feeling on his cheeks endured.

 

“You really need to get laid.” Mitaka said with some devilish smile the next morning. He passed his arm over Hux's shoulder making a very awkward image for both of them because Mitaka was way shorter than the other boy. He seemed to be in a very good mood and Hux knew damn too well that mean he had a plan. “Fear not my celibate friend.” he said and made a long dramatic pause. “I have the answer to your prayers.”

 

“If it involves me spending any amount of money, you can definitely count me out.”

 

“Don't worry, Ginger. I got your back.”

 

One of the things Hux learned right after Mitaka became his friend was that he always had his friend's back. The other was that the short half Japanese boy always had a devilish plan on the back of his mind. 

 

The third point was that those plans, somehow, always involve alcohol and sex. Hux could not say not to any of this. Not that Mitaka would let him back down on his plans anyway. So he convinced Hux to skip the last classes and dragged him to the coffee shop were he had arranged everything.

 

No Hux was sitting besides a guys, pay a lot of attention on the way his lips were moving while he was telling the younger boy some story Hux couldn't care less. The ginger mimicked his actions when the other boy's tongue slide on his lips. He had a beautiful sun kissed skin and warm and really clear hazel eyes and was a couple of years older than Hux. He also had strong arm with broad hands, one of which was on Hux's small waist, keeping him close.

 

Mitaka was very clever indeed. The coffee shop was a very reclusive place that always had little to no customers at the afternoon and was their very favorite place to have dates. Their favorite table on the far back was always free for them and they could have some privacy to make out, as long as they didn't go too far. His date hands pulled him close and Hux smiled. He kept smiling until the other boy – whose name he thought to be Dylan but he wasn't really sure – got close enough to capture Hux's lips on his own. The ginger was complaint and docile. He let Dylan's tongue play with his and twirl on his mouth and only shivered a little when Dylan's right hand adventured under Hux's shirt.

 

“Don't get to excited.” the older boy teased. He capture Hux's right lobe in between his teeth and let it go slowly. The ginger reacted with a giggle. He couldn't deny the excitement on his body. His head cocked a little to his left and he enjoyed Dylan's soft neck kisses with an open mouth and half-lidded eyes. He watched Mitaka enjoy his own date on the next table. Besides the four of them and the owners on the counter – who were too busy and too well paid not to care about their doings – nobody else was there.

 

Maybe, Hux thought, that was the reason why he saw him coming in. The thin tinkle of the bell door caught the ginger attention as Kylo Ren got inside and asked for a coffee at the exact moment Dylan – somehow – found his most sensitive spot. He suppressed a moan biting his bottom lip right at the moment Kylo's eyes met his.

 

Hux had no reaction. He waited for Kylo to do something but the tall brunet only rose his eyebrow, turned around and decided to sit on the other side of the coffee shop. The younger boy couldn't be more thankful for that. One hour later Kylo got up, payed for his coffee and walked away. At the same moment Mitaka and Hux exchanged glares but said nothing. The date was pleasurable enough to almost cause Hux to lost track of time. One hour later, he finally said goodbye to Dylan and the others and left. The sun was saying goodbye by painting a lovely tone of orange in the sky. He ran to the bus stop not wanting to lose the next bus only to find his effort to be in vain. When he got there, the bus was already leaving. He sat down with a sigh and closed his eyes, trying to breath properly.

 

The smell of smoke troubled him and when he glared at his side, ready to start an argument with whoever was smoking right beside him, he was surprised.

 

Casually beside him, with a cigarette on his right hand and a look that was a mix of astonishment and delight, Kylo Ren was sitting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry.
> 
> I completely lost control of this plot and I don't know where it is going.  
> And about all thoses grammar mistakes: Im more then sorry.
> 
> Any ideas and sugestions are very welcome and will be very loved. An you can talk to me here or at tumblr ( http://lii-mao.tumblr.com )


	4. Chapter 4

That's awkward, Hux thought watching as Kylo's lips part to let smoke escape. At first he was trying to find something to say but then maybe silence was the best now. He could say he was sorry for what Kylo saw inside the coffee shop but that would be a lie and he was old enough not to lie about his life in that matter. And again, Kylo was nothing more than a platonic crush and he shouldn't have to feel obligated to give him any explanations.

 

But then again there was this compelling need to talk to the dark haired boy and explain himself. And if that need alone didn't make him feel pathetic, maybe the face he was doing as he stared at Kylo would do the job with only Hux could see it. If first he had shown any acknowledgment of Hux's presence, now Kylo was pretending not to notice him. He was facing forward while Hux's eyes were scanning his profile and when the awkward silence felt too much, he raised his eyebrow and looked at the ginger boy through the side of his eyes. “What?”

 

“Nothing.” he answered right away. Only now he realized he was staring so he sat straight and looked away. “Sorry for staring.”

 

“Well, I could say the same.” the taller boy said, with a sigh. He put out the cigarette by stepping on it.

 

“About that...” he started. Hesitation filled his mouth and stole the air of his lungs.

 

“You don't really have to give me explanations.”

 

“I know.” he said running his fingers through his hair. “I just don't want you to think...” but then he stopped himself realizing he didn't actually know what he didn't want Kylo to think about him. He faced the older boy, who was waiting for the rest of his speech and shrugged. “You know what? You are right. I don't really need to give explanations.”

 

Much for his surprise – and delight – Kylo giggled.

 

“You are quite strange.”

 

“Am I?”

 

The tall boy nod with a smile and as much as Hux didn't want to admit, he felt his heart skip a beat.

 

Oh, I'm fucked, he thought.

 

His fingers were still trying to fix his hair although there was no single lock of hair that were misplaced. He should just calm down and wait his bus to show up in silence. If he was lucky enough, either his or Kylo's bus would come and that horrible situation would be over in a blink of an eye.

 

“Can you stop?” Kylo's voice broke the silence. “You've been fixing your hair for like ten minutes now. It's really annoying. I mean...there is nothing wrong with your hair.”

 

Without further thinking, he run his finger through his hair again, messing his locks now. Some of them fell over his eyes as a ginger curtain and he felt slightly ridiculous when he turned his head defiantly to Kylo, softly raising his chin and one of his eyebrows. “Well, there is now.”

 

The locks over his eyes were the ones Kylo decided to pick. His fingers lifted them so he could face the younger one. “You're an idiot.” he said, getting close to the ginger boy. Kylo was laughing and he had never been so close to Hux as now there were only few centimeters between the top of his nose and Hux's. Even in the dim lighted bus stop Hux could see Kylo's dark piercing eyes and they were so close and so warm and even though Hux disliked cigarettes, the lingered scent of those on Kylo's mouth was incredibly alluring.

 

Feeling his face get red, he pulled Kylo away. “Shut up!” and then retook his task to fix his hair again. Kylo was still looking at him. “I'm not gonna mess up my hair again.” he snap.

 

“You are such a weird kid.” the taller one teased.

 

“Considering you're not that older than me...” he started, crossing his arms and turning his head to face Kylo again. “Maybe you shouldn't call me kid, should you, Ren?” the defying look on his face slowly faded away when Kylo leaned in to him and captured a lock of his hair on his fingers again.

 

“This time you didn't do it right.” he said, putting the lock behind Hux's left ear. When he did so, his index fingertip brushed against Hux's earlobe. It was like an electric sparkle and Hux couldn't bare to stare at the quarterback.

 

A bus passed through the bus stop breaking the mood, its sound got Kylo to stiffen on his position as he realized he was still leaning on to Hux.

 

“What bus are you waiting?”

 

“82 Starkiller St. You?”

 

“Same.”

 

It was a lie and as soon as it slipped out of his lips, he felt ridiculous. Hux was staring at him with one eyebrow raised and a delighted look on his face as if he was ready to yell 'AHÁ!' and tell Kylo he was a horrible liar.

 

“Com'on.” the ginger said. “The rich kid living in a neighborhood like Starkiller? Cut it out.”

 

“You got me.”

 

“You probably live in some really fancy place over Republic st or Naboo st...right?”

 

“Got me again.” Kylo answered, crossing his arms. “It's actually really close from here.” he confessed. “I could go home walking.”

 

“And why don't you?” he asked before he could stop himself. Fast, before Kylo could do or say anything, Hux's fingers grabbed Kylo's shirtsleeve. “I'm not telling you to go away, ok?”

 

Kylo nod. “Actually...I don't wanna go home.” he said, shrugging.

 

He expected Hux to say something salty. To be suspicious of his reasons or something like that. Truth was that nobody could understand why he would avoid going home. Especially because he was rich and lived in such a comfortable house. But Hux only shrugged.

 

“So don't go home.” he said. “I mean....it's still quite early anyway. And there is a lot of place you can go. I don't know.” he finished shrugging.

 

“This sounded like you were trying to ask me on a date.” Kylo said.

 

The ginger boy was extremely envious of the way Kylo Ren could act like the coolest person ever. While Hux was trying to sound eloquent and prevent himself from stuttering, Kylo seemed to be unaffected by his presence. Every little movement was so fluid and perfect it seemed to Hux that that was nothing in this world that could hit him. The way his hand searched his cigarettes on his pocket and the way his puffy lips would hold one of it on them as Kylo tried to lit it.

 

“Can you not?”

 

“What?”

 

“The cigarette.” he explained. “I hate those.”

 

“Oh...” he said, but he didn't put the cigarette away. “Well...your bus is here anyway so...” he waited for the bus to stop and Hux to get inside and as the door was closing, Hux saw him finally light it up. His eyes stuck on Kylo until he couldn't see him anymore.

 

Alone at the back of the bus, he discretely passed his fingertips on his earlobe trying to emulate the feelings he had when Kylo's fingers did the same. Cold butterflies flew on his stomach and he couldn't pretend nothing was happening. That silly crush was definitely becoming something stronger and he should avoid it at all costs.

 

But again, Kylo's warmth was so inviting. He could actually imagine himself tasting Kylo. And the idea was quite pleasant. Rubbing his face, he tried to focus on something else but his imagination got the best of him. He could actually imagine what Kylo's lips would taste like and how he would want they all over himself. His neck was still a little bit sensitive from his date with Dylan and if Hux closed his eyes he could imagine Kylo were the one kissing and biting his sensitive spot.

He could imagine Kylo's lips getting down on him slowly, enjoying very little piece of his body. Licking and kissing and mostly biting. Giving hickeys and leaving marks on his snow white skin.

 

He forced himself to stop before he started to think what would those puffy lips do once they got down his waist. Hux was not very fond of the idea of getting an erection on public transport. If only the bus driver could go a little bit faster his torture would end sooner. He just wanted someone to scratch his skin and leave a collar of hickeys on his neck and blow him and make him cum. He was not asking for much more than that.

He was desperate when the bus finally got to his stop. He walked as fast as he could the last meters to his house and ran straight to his bedroom, ignoring his sister who as asking something but he didn't even care because he had to touch himself at that exact moment or else he would explode in a zillion of sexually frustrated glitter sized pieces.

 

* * *

 

 

He was ready for weird looks, smirks and even some mockery when he get to school the next day. When Kylo walked in on the cafeteria and walked towards them, Hux realized he was holding his breath. Phasma, by his side, was greeting their friend with a smile. Kylo Ren sat down right before him, greeting him with a nod. He didn't smirk or say anything, to which Hux felt thankful. The blonde lady started a conversation with Kylo and all his attention was put on her, which was fine because would give Hux enough space to stare at his face. Mitaka got to the place five minutes later. He exchanged glares with the ginger boy and smirk as he noticed Kylo Ren was sitting with them again, but he didn't mention anything as he sat down beside Hux and politely greeted everyone.

 

“I'll explain later.” Hux muttered between his teeth.

 

At least now that Mitaka was there too, Hux was feeling more comfortable. The conversation was easy when Mitaka was around because the asian boy was so funny and careless.

 

“Hey, aren't those your friends?” he asked at some point. Sitting at their usual table, Poe and Rey were deliberately trying to avoid looking at Kylo.

 

“Yeah.” he said with a sigh. “I should probably go sit with them.”

“Or maybe you should ask them to sit with us.” he could never be more grateful for Phasma's wonderful reaction time. Both boys endorsed Phasma's idea of inviting them over and Hux watched as a faint smile slowly grew on Kylo's lips.

 

“I suppose I can try.” he said, but Hux was sure he would do his best to achieve his new goal. As he walked away, Mitaka, who was delightfully watching his friend make a complete silly of himself, elbowed Hux on his waist.

 

“Your obsessed self is showing.” he teased, smirking, leading the ginger boy to roll his eyes in discontentment. “Can you at least pretend you don't have a crush on him? Don't be so obvious. It's pretty embarrassing.”

 

Phasma, sitting on Hux's side was giggling. “Don't tease the kid, Mitaka.”

 

“Screw both of you.” he discretely watched as Kylo tried to convince his brother and sister but it didn't seemed to Hux that the brunet would be successful. He bit his lips. It would be pretty good if everyone could get along just fine. Because, among of other things, it would give him more time with Kylo and he wouldn't be against it.

 

On the other table, Kylo was having a hard time to convince Rey to do that for him already. “Com'on. Can't you just do it?”

 

She was frowning, visibly pissed off. “I don't even know why you're hanging out with them!” she said “It's not like they are your friends anyway.”

 

Poe, extremely uncomfortable with the turn the conversation has taken, decided to aid his brother. “Rey. Don't.”

 

“What? So now I'm supposed to act like they are Ben's best friends and they all gonna hang out all the time?”

 

“Ben can have his own friends, ok?” Poe said, a little bit pissed. Rey was always so possessive of everyone on their family. She would always pout and complain every time he and Kylo got someone else to talk to. Poe was the one who would handle her better but Ben would always fall on her possessiveness and he would always end up feeling a little bit guilty. He stood up, grabbing his lunch. “I'm gonna sit with them, so now you can decide if you gonna join us or stay by yourself over here.”

 

Kylo could see his cousin were confused and divided for a moment. In her defense, she wasn't trying to be pushy or manipulative, she was just having a hard time to accept the fact that Ben was swaying further away from them. And on top of that, he was now getting close to the one girl Rey didn't want to spend more time with. She bit her lip preventing her words to come out. She had lost the battle already and she knew that and she looked right into Poe's eyes and crossed her arms. “Enjoy your meal with your new friends.” she snap before turning her face back to her food.

 

“Com'on, Ben.” Poe said after Kylo refused to move. “She wants to be alone? Leave her be. No wonder she doesn't have friends.”

 

Kylo knew she was seriously angry by the way she was twitching her lips and the fire in her eyes. Rey stared, deadly, as Poe walked away from them slowly and the her eyes turned to her other cousin and she crossed her arms. “Your friends are waiting for you, aren't they?”

 

“Rey-” he tried to say anything, but Rey didn't let him.

 

“Just go, Ben.” she said, softly, before getting up and leave her cousin behind. Kylo watched her without knowing if following her would be the best. She could feel four pairs of eyes on his back and he turned around to meet the group, excepting Poe, staring at him. He walked back and sat down, sighing.

 

“I guess it didn't go well.” Phasma said, apologetically.

 

For his own surprise, he smiled. “It was a fiasco. But I supposed I should have seen it coming.” he ran his fingers through his hair. “Anyway, that's my brother Poe.”

 

“He already introduced himself to us.” Phasma said. “And he's coming to the game Saturday, right, Poe?”

 

“What game?”

 

“Seriously, Ren. You should really pay attention sometimes.” the blonde girl teased. “I'm talking about my game. Saturday. You're coming, right?”

 

“I guess so.”

 

“You have to. Since my lovely brother won't be there to cheer for me, I got to have my friends there.”

 

“You're not going?”

 

It was the first proper thing Kylo had said to him all day. He gulp, shrugging and focus his eyes on his food. “I have work.” he said and it was not an excuse. He would rather be at Phasma's game then be working, but money was getting short on their household and they need to work part time to assure they could maintain themselves. “I'll try to leave early so I can go and see you, ok?”

 

Mitaka – who was awfully quiet – rolled his eyes. When the subject changed and everyone else was caught on another conversation, he softly whispered to his friend. “You should call in sick.”

 

“And then what? Lose the job?”

 

“Well, you hate to work there anyway.”

 

“I can't lie about that.” he said, shrugging again. “But I do need the money.”

 

Again, his friend rolled his eyes. Mitaka fixed his hair behind his ear and looked at Hux very seriously – yet still softly -. “You know I can lend yo-”

 

“I don't take money from no one.”

 

“I said lend, Hux.” he snaps, crossing his arms. “And I'm your friend. You should stop being stubborn!” he teased, poking his ginger friend on his ribs. On his turn, Hux pushed Mitaka's head, messing up his black hair, to which Mitaka laughed. “You are such a child!”

 

“You started it, Mitaka!” Hux said with a delighted smile. He knew far too well that the hair was Mitaka's great weakness. “Don't complain!”

 

In a matter of a second Mitaka's arm were around Hux's neck. He took a hold of the ginger's head and used his other hand to retaliate and tousle Hux orange hair. His eyes then caught the suspicious small bruise on Hux's pale neck and Mitaka smirked. Being the teaser he was, he got his mouth close to Hux's ear and whispered very calmly “I seems you really enjoyed Dylan, didn't you?” and he was pleased to see Hux turn red. He was caught, on the side of his eye, the way Kylo Ren was watching their interaction.

 

Hux squirmed away form him, gigling, face all red. His eyes met Kylo's and he looked away elbowing Mitaka's arm. “Quit it.”

 

“Okay, okay.” he said, raising his hands. He started to get up, pulling Hux by the arm. “We should get going anyway. If we get late, professor Ahsoka will probably kill us.”

 

“She would probably kill anyway if only she was not so fond of her job.” he shrugged. “See you guys later.” he said before Mitaka could drag him away from the table, but then he turned back and waved to Poe. “And it was nice to meet you.”

 

The following Friday was quite dull. Neither Kylo nor Poe had come to school and they haven't seen Rey also so the two of them – Mitaka was busy with some weird shit – had lunch by themselves. It was silence and boring because Phasma was too worried about her game and Hux was too annoyed to start a conversation. He wouldn't say it out loud, but he got used to Kylo's presence on their table by lunchtime and now that he was absent, he was quite crossed about it.

 

When Saturday come, he was expecting everything to went well so he could leave work soon and be able to actually see Phasma's volleyball match, but as the hour passed and impatience grew in him, he was getting more and more resigned to the fact that he would definitely miss her play. “Com'on Nwanda!” he plead. “My shift is gonna be over in two hours! Can't you just help me out?”

 

“Ginger, look around! We are full!” he said. He was a tall massive man with some scary look on his face and a small scar on his chin. His black hair was getting a little bit of gray his temples, his mustache, on the other hand, was still dark as charcoal. He was usually very soft despite his looks and he would always be very understanding of his employees. But today he could do nothing to help his ginger waiter. The small dinner was full. “There is nothing I can do, Ginger. I'm sorry.” the owner of the Two Whales Dinner looked at Hux with a soft apologetic smile and handed him the tray.

 

Fine, Hux thought. There would be other games. There would be other opportunity to be there for Phasma. Today, there was nothing he could do.

 

At six o'clock, when his shift was finally over, Hux was exhausted. He took the garbage outside, dumping the two heavy black trash bags on the big trashcan and took some time to stretch himself. He moaned as he stretched his shoulders and back muscles, feeling them burn. All he needed by now was to take a very long shower and sleep for three days straight. He was still moaning softly when he walked back in, taking of the apron. The two boys from the night shift were there already and they both greeted Hux with devilish smiles that didn't work on disguising their intentions.

 

But Hux should have seen it coming anyway. That's what you get when you decide to fool around and hook up with your work colleagues. He shrugged and collected his things to finally go home.

 

Outside the dinner, Phasma was waiting for him. She greeted him with a big smile and hugged him. “We won!” she shouted, passionately. “We are going to finals!” she passed her big strong arm around him and gave Hux a warm hug, which was such an unusual attitude for her.

 

“That's fucking awesome!” was all Hux could say, smiling. Only then he noticed Kylo and Poe just a few steps away from them. They were quietly waiting, Poe with his hands on his pockets looked like he was waiting his queue to say something and Kylo, two steps behind him, was too busy with his cigarette to actually look at them. But nevertheless it looked like Phasma actually did had people to cheer for her at the game. “Where is Mitaka?” he asked when Phasma finally let him out of her hug.

 

“He had a thing with someone and he left earlier.” she said, still smiling. “We decided to pick you up to celebrate.”

 

“I'm so tired, Phas...”

 

“Come on, brother.” she pulled him by his right arm. Hux was ready to complain but he was sure there would be nagging if he did so he just shrugged and accept to follow them to wherever they decide to take him. He could only hope not to fall asleep in the middle of the so called celebration.

 

Phasma instantly got into a very energetic talk with Poe and as they walk side by side, Hux was left behind with Kylo.

 

“You look really tired.” Kylo pointed out. He was walking slower than usual to keep up with the tired rhythm of Hux's steps.

 

“Well, I'm exhausted.” he complained. “I didn't got a minute to sit down and rest the whole day.”

 

Kylo exhaled trying not to let the smoke his Hux's face. “I can carry you on my back with you're that tired.” he said, after a minute of consideration. For his surprise, the ginger laughed.

 

“I'd rather preserve the last drop of dignity I have, Ren.” when Kylo looked over to him as he was repressing a laughter, Hux mumbled. “Don't look at me like that. I still have some dignity.”

 

“I wouldn't say so.” Kylo snorted.

 

Hux mimicked his acted and crossed his arms. His left eyebrow arched. “Why not?”

 

Kylo stopped right in front of him, exhaled smoke again and smirked. “I just don't think that making out with someone on a coffee shop is something someone trying to preserve their dignity would do.”

 

Hux had to admit that Kylo got him this time. He was speechless for a moment but he kept a straight face and pretended like it didn't matter. “Jealous, much?”

 

“Are you two coming or not?” Poe shouted on the distance. There was a moment that only last a second where Kylo looked straight at his eyes and Hux shivered. Then it was gone and Kylo walked away.

 

By the time they got to the place they chose – that by Hux's surprise was an ice cream shop – Hux was already regretting to decline Kylo's offer. He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. He was also pissed. I mean, there were fewer lame things to do than grab ice cream in a Saturday night. He felt like some weird nerd character from some 90”s tv show. “I can't believe you dragged me here to get ice cream.” he snarled to his sister.

 

“Stop being ungrateful and enjoy the fact that you are hanging out with Kylo Ren on a Saturday night.” she mumbled with a soft smile. Hux discretely looked over to Kylo, who was finishing his cigarette outside and moaned.

 

“I'm exhausted, Phas.”

 

“Quit whining!” elbowing his arm, she walked into the shop dragging Poe with her.

 

Hux sighed again.

 

“We should go in.” Kylo said. He had finished his cigarette and now he was standing beside Hux. “But it looks like you're about to run away.”

 

“I would if I could even move my legs properly.” Hux giggled. He yawned and Kylo couldn't help but think he was actually really cute. In some sort of way. “I mean...it's Saturday night, you know? And we are about to get ice cream. This is pretty lame even for me.” he explained. “And I'm not even the quarterback.”

 

Kylo crossed his arms and looked at him with a delighted expression in his face. “What? Are you one of this cool kids who is too good for things like ice cream?”

 

“First of all: it's really weird when you call me 'kid', cause you sound like my dad.” he started. Hux shove his hands on his pockets and shrugged. “You are the quarterback, Ren. You're the cool kid, by definition.”

 

“Yeah. Maybe without that thing on my face.” he said, before walking in. “Come on.”

 

Hux shrugged before following him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still didn't quite get the hang of this thing. I'm kinda lost.  
> I'm sorry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is horribly big and poorly written.   
> Again, I sorry.  
> It's 6 am.  
> Im dead.

 

“This totally counts as a date!” Mitaka grinned. He was lied down on Hux's bed, with his hands behind his head. Hux, lying just beside him, rolled his eyes and covered his face with his pillow. “You were on a date with Kylo Ren!”

 

 

“It was not a date!” he groaned, tossing his pillow at Mitaka. “We went to an ice cream shop together. It was only that!”

 

 

“It sounds like a date from a romcom movie.” Mitaka said. He sat up and studied Hux's face. “Don't try to deny it!”

 

 

“I was exhausted and all I wanted was to come home and sleep for days.”

 

 

“So you're telling me that your date with Kylo Ren was horrible. Is that so?”

 

 

“That was not a date!” Hux shouted. “His brother was there and Phasma as well. It was not a date!” he covered his face so Mitaka wouldn't see him blushing. “That was not a date!”

 

 

“You say that but I know you are blushing. Covering your face won't change the fact that you are all red, Armitage!” Mitaka leaned over Hux, passed his leg over Hux's body and proceed to attack him right at his most ticklish spot until Hux's voice was nothing but a high pitched chant begging Mitaka to stop. He then lied down beside him again, laughing. “You had a date with Kylo Ren.”

 

 

Hux only nodded. He was having a hard time to get his breath again because his heart would skip a beat every time he thought about Kylo and Mitaka wasn't helping. He sighed and bit his lower lip to prevent a devilish grin to show up. Mitaka elbowed him.

 

 

“I'm jealous.” he confessed. “Ren is really hot.”

 

 

“He is also heterosexual, Mitaka.”

 

 

“I don't really think he is...”

 

 

“You only think he is bi because you like to feed your own delusional fantasies.” he said.

 

Mitaka turned to face him. “Ok, but let's assume he is bi...”

 

 

“He's not.”

 

 

“Bare. With. Me.” Mitaka hit his arm on every word he said.

 

 

“Okay. Okay!” Hux was still chuckling.

 

 

“Then you would have been on a date with him.”

 

 

This time he couldn't refrain the big smile that grew on his face. Hux felt his face getting warmer again and he covered it one more time to try to avoid all the thought on his head. Mitaka always had this annoyingly good way to get him excited about this that he knew very well to be off his reach. Like Kylo Ren was.

 

 

As if he was able to read his mind, Mitaka softly pulled his hands away from his red face and brushed off a lock of hair from his forehead and then pressed the tip of his index on Hux's head. “I know you're thinking that Ren is out of your league.” he stated. Indeed Mitaka knew Hux profoundly. “Don't go on giving up on things just because you feel insecure about them, ok?”

 

 

Hux felt like he should probably say something on his behalf but there was nothing he could say that Mitaka wouldn't have a perfect response for. He smiled and closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Mitaka laid back again, sighing. “You still have to give me all the sordid details of you very romantic date with our dear quarterback.”

 

 

“There are no sordid details, Mitaka.”

 

 

“Don't lie to me, Ginger!”

 

 

“Seriously.” he shrugged. “I have nothing to say. We sat there and talked. Actually, I mostly only listened.” he stated. Hux opened his eyes to face the ceilling. “And he stood there, quietly observing everything. He has a really intense gaze, you know? Like he is trying very hard to see things through a veil.” he waited for Mitaka to make some salty remark but nothing happened. “And that was it. Just that. We got ice cream with his brother and my sister and we barely talked to each other.”

 

 

“That was the most disappointing date report I've ever heard in my entire life, Armitage.”

 

 

“Don't call me Armitage!”

 

 

“No. You don't deserve consideration.” Mitaka was devastated. “I can't believe you wasted a nice and romantic – and ok, very cliché – date with Kylo Ren and you didn't even made a move on him!” he got up to start walking around the room, lecturing Hux about how silly he was and how he should have done something to at least enjoy the time he had with Kylo.

 

 

“I was too tired to think about it, Mitaka!” Hux explained himself, sitting up and holding his pillow against his chest.

 

 

“So you should have asked him to carry you around.” the asian boy said. “Maybe he would find this weird but at least you would seem to be funny.”

 

 

“Well...”

 

 

“What?” Mitaka turned his attention to Hux and when he bit his lips, he kneel at the mattress right in front of him. “Did you actually asked him to carry you around?”

 

 

“He offered himself actually.”

 

 

“No fucking way!” thrilled, Mitaka jumped back up. “So what did you do?”

 

 

“I declined.”

 

 

“YOU DID WHAT?” it was unusual to see Mitaka so frustrated. He rubbed his face with both hands and stared at Hux in disbelief. “You wasted the perfect excuse to have you legs around Kylo Ren's waist and you have the audacity to tell me this with that straight face?” Hux's mouth opened to give an excuse but Mitaka didn't let him talk. “If you tell me you were tired one more time...”

 

 

“I'm sorry!”

 

 

“You should be, you coward!” he teased. Then he jumped back on the bed, sitting beside Hux. “You should ask him out again. Like actually ask him out now.”

 

 

“Mitaka...”

 

 

 

“Don't. Hux, you gotta stop being such a coward. Ask him out. You don't have to ask him on a date romantically talking, ok? Just...i don't know...invite him to get ice cream again.” he suggested. “I mean...at least now you know he likes it. You may as well ask him to go with you.”

 

 

Hux simply shrugged. “I don't think he would say yes.”

 

 

“Ginger, we are talking about the boy who leaned over you on a dim bus stop to fix your hair.” he said. “The guy has been around you and Phasma for weeks. I have no idea why he keep hanging out with you two. Their assignment is over, but he is still around. And I don't think he is into Phasma or else he would have asked her out already.”

 

 

Hux nodded.

 

 

“Just ask him out and try to figure it out.” Mitaka continued. “Yes, there is a slight possibility that he only want you as a friend. But that is one more reason for you to go and find out. If he says he only wants to be your friend, at least you'll be free to get rid of this crush you have on him.”

 

 

After a long silence pause, Hux laid his head on Mitaka's shoulder. “You seem awfully bold this days.” he said, to what his friend chuckled.

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

“Anything you may want to share with you best friend?”

 

 

“Nothing. For now.”

 

* * *

 

 

_His hands were grasping the wheel tightly._

 

_Breath in. Breath out. Drive off the road and collapse. Crash the car. Make it stop. All would be okay once it was finally over._

 

_Fear was burning inside him._

 

_Breath in. There was a voice in his head that sounded like a chant asking him to turn the wheel and drive off the road. Into the water. Dark deep cold water that would feel like a soft pillow and the darkness would embrace him like a lost son. And every time he remembered Han's words would be like a dagger on his stomach. He bit his lip until he could taste blood._

 

_Breath out. Drive off the road and collapse. Crash the car. Make it stop. All would be okay once it was finally over. His wet face was contorted in despair. The ominous chant still echoing in his head. Drive off the road. Crash. Make it stop. Kylo's hands were shaking._

 

 

_He should get away. Leave and never return. His family would be better if he left them behind and take all his troubles with him. There would be no more arguments and no more crisis._

 

_Drive off the road and collapse. Crash the car. Make it stop. All would be okay once it was finally over._

 

 

_They had Poe to play the part of the perfect talented kid and they had Rey to be the sweet happy little girl. There were no space for him anyway. He would have to go. They didn't want him there anymore._

 

 

_Han's words on his head. Spinning around._

 

 

_Blood on his mouth. Metallic and warm._

 

 

_The wheel on his hands._

 

 

_And a wrong turn. Much more severe that he thought it would be. And Kylo knew, even before the car start to slide, that he wouldn't make it, but when it started to turn, he held his breath in anticipation anyway. His body jerked as the car started to overturn. The front glass shattered and he closed his eyes to protect them. The seat belt swung, ignored. Then his head hit something and all went blurry. He tried. He tried really hard to get out of the car but his whole body decided not to obey._

 

_A warm wound on his face. Pain coming up like vomit on his throat as he tried to yell for help but no one listened._

 

_No one was there._

 

_No one cared._

 

_He was ultimately alone._

 

 

 

 

Kylo's eyes flashed open and he sat up trying to breath properly. His shaking hand on his chest as he tried to tell himself he was safe. It was just another nightmare and he had to calm down now. He stumbled off the bed and rushed to the bathroom noticing his legs were trembling too much and his stomach were about to explode at the exact moment he placed his head over the toilet. That was the worse every single time. The humiliating feeling of inadequacy. At least this time he was home, at his on bedroom, all by himself and not at the middle of the street while everyone passing by would look at him and see some hangover kid throwing up booze. At least now he wasn't at the middle of a family dinner, rushing away from the table to hide at the bathroom and getting everyone worried about him.

 

 

Kylo wiped his mouth with the back of his hand when he finished. The acidic taste on his tongue would be there for hours, he was sure. Testing his legs, he tried to get up and splash some cold water on his face.

 

 

The exact moment of the accident imprinted on his brain. He could have prevented it all if he wasn't driving so fast. If he wasn't so mad with Han. There was a large collection of 'ifs' that would change the results of said day. If only he didn't get the car that day. If only he didn't decide to leave.

 

 

There was vomit on his hair, he noticed as he looked on the mirror. He was a complete mess. The dark circles under his eyes were a visual proof of his tiredness and the remaining teardrops on his eyelashes were one more thing to make Kylo look like a train wreck. He dragged himself to the shower and groaned as the hot water chastised his back. He only went out when the water was cooling and his body was already all red. Then he went back to his bedroom, grabbed his phone and tossed himself on bed, sighing. There was nothing important on social media, nothing he wanted to watch on Netflix and no new music video on Youtube. The desert hours until dawn came were filled with nothing and he passed them staring at the darkness until the clarity started to break through the drapes and draw patterns on his walls.

 

 

By that time he wasn't shaking anymore. The disgusting feeling of danger were finally gone. Kylo buried his face on the pillow. He was fine now. He had survived another day. Everything would be alright as soon as everyone was up and the house started to get noisy again and then he could fill the blank space on his head with white noise and push away all those memories.

 

Slowly Kylo was lulled back to sleep by his own steady breath rhythm. When he woke up again the sun was high on the sky and Leia was knocking on his door. She peeked her head in and smile as she noticed her son to be awake. Kylo sat up as she walked in as sat beside him. Leia run her fingers on his hair and softly smile. “I was wondering if you were hungry.”

 

 

He shook his head and closed his eyes and her hand slid down and cup his face. There were days when her touch would be too much to bare so Kylo was glad to noticed that he could enjoy the warmth of his mother's hand on his face without wanting to run away. Leia's thumb caressed his cheek softly.

 

 

“You could get downstairs and spend some time with your family, couldn't you, baby?” she softly plead. She kept her smile even when Kylo opened his eyes to glare at her. “I miss having you around. You can't blame me for that.”

 

 

 

“I have been around.” he shrugged.

 

 

“I mean voluntarily, Ben.”

 

 

There it was. That annoying tone of judgment on her words that felt like a needle on his veins. Stealth but dangerous.

 

 

“Mom, I...”

 

 

“I'm not trying to start and argument, Ben.” Leia said. She took off her hand from his face and exhaled. Her tiredness was also visible and Kylo realized that she looked like someone who had seen a lot of ugly things on life. Even though her face was still soft and she had an air of kindness on her mouth, she was definitely someone strong and he could see it by the age marks around her eyes. She looked older than Kylo remembered her to be. Suddenly he was hit by the astonishing realization that eventually she would be gone and that thought alone made his spine cold. Unaware of his deep thoughts, Leia completed. “I only want to spend more time with you. It has been a while since the last time we all gathered together to talk.”

 

 

“I have nothing to say.” he shrugged again, pulling his knees onto his chest. “I don't really like these things, you know that!”

 

 

Kylo knew she had a lot of things to say yet, but she just bit her lip and leaned in to kiss his forehead. “It's ok, darling.”

 

 

Leia left before her son could gather the courage to ask her to stay. Once she was gone, Kylo fell back to bad and stared at the ceiling. To be truth, he was being extremely unfair to his mother and that thought alone was what made Kylo get up, wash his face and go downstairs to spend some time with his family. Leia's big bright smile when he walked in made Kylo's heart melt. She tapped a place beside her for him to sit and when he did so, she softly pet his legs, still smiling. Fortunately for him, Leia was by herself.

 

 

“I'm happy you decided to get downstairs for a while, darling.” she said. Leia closed the book she was reading marking the page with her index finger and stared at her son with nothing but love on her eyes. Kylo's stomach flutter a little bit bu he managed to smirk back at her. “Do you wanna talk or...?”

 

 

He shrugged. “I can just watch you read.”

 

 

Leia's eyebrow raised in disbelief but Kylo assured her he was fine with just sitting in silence watching her read her book. “I can read it out loud if you want me to.” she offered.

 

 

“Isn't that poetry, is it?”

 

 

“No. It's not poetry, Benjamin.”

 

 

“They you might read it to me.” the crooked smile on his face resembled Leia of Han's. They were very much alike from their gestures to their personality. Kylo slid on the sofa until he could rest his head on Leia's shoulder and closed his eyes when she started to read. They spend a lovely time together where all the noise was Leia's sweet voice and he felt safe beside her. At some point she stopped, closed the book and leaned her head to rest it on top of Kylo's. “I miss you, darling.” she confessed.

 

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

 

“You are always sorry, Ben.” sighing, she hold his hand on hers. “But you keep shutting me out. You keep pushing everyone away from you.”

 

 

Kylo rolled his eyes and stormed up, getting away from her. “Can you just not start this conversation?”

 

 

“Benjamin, there are things we have to talk about!”

 

 

“I don't want to talk about this!” he yelled. “Why don't you see it?”

 

 

“So I'm supposed to sit here and watch my son get lost on his own mind and do nothing only because you don't feel like talking? Is that so, Ben?” Leia inquired. She got up too and glared at him with fire on her eyes. “Am I supposed to give up on you? Is that what you asking me to do?”

 

 

“I'm asking you to stop trying to pull me into a conversation I already told you I don't want to have. Especially with you.” rubbing his face, he started to walk around the living room trying to calm himself down. “You want me to talk? Fine. You can spend your precious money on some stupid shrink so they can analyze my brain and tell you I'm mental! Is that what you need? Another diagnose?”

 

 

“This has nothing to do with what I was saying, Benjamin!” she defended herself. “I only want you to talk to me. I want to know about your life, about you. I barely see you all week. Every time I come home you are either sleeping or gone. I feel like we haven't had a conversation in ages.” her voice failed. “You are still my son, Ben. I just want you to let me be part of your life. Is that too much to ask?”

 

 

“I don't want you to.” he couldn't keep inside all the rage he was feeling. It has grown on him like a tide and he overflown before he could make himself shut up. Kylo watched as the realization of his words hit Leia on the face. Her eyes widened as she was ready to say something but gave up. Devastated, she search on his eyes for something that could tell her Kylo didn't mean it but all she could find was the hardness of his emotionless stare. “I can handle my own things. I don't need you.”

 

 

Leia braced herself. “Ben...”

 

 

But he was already walking away. At the front door he looked back at her, divided between leaving and walking back to her and apologize for everything he has said and exhaled. “This was a mistake.” he mumbled. “I don't think we can have family time and pretend everything is fine.”

 

 

Kylo almost ran out of the house feeling his lungs getting squished.

 

 

“Oh, God, please, not again!” he felt his eyes start to get watery and his

throat threatened to shut. “Not again, not again.” he walked around the house planning to get inside through the back door and avoid Leia. If he only he could get to his room, he would be safe and Leia wouldn't know he was even home. He could spend the whole day pretending to be out and nobody would notice. But getting inside the house wasn't something as easy as he thought it would be. His legs failed him and he fell to the ground, his hands preventing him to hit his face on the grass, and the gag reflex made his stomach ache.

 

 

“Ben?”

 

 

He tilted his head to see Poe walking towards him hastily.

 

 

“Ben, are you okay?” Kylo's face turned red for the humiliation. Poe was the last person he wanted to see him in a ridiculous situation such as. He tried to say he was fine but the gag reflex made his body jerk once again. There was nothing to put out but his body didn't mind that, every contraction would send a wave of pain to his stomach and make his body tremble. Poe visibly didn't know what to do, he crouched at his side and placed a hand on his brother's back trying to soothe him. He waited patiently until the gag reflex were done and Kylo started to breath more steadily to grab him by the arm and help him up. “Come on.”

 

 

Reluctantly, Kylo accepted his brother help to get up. Even though Poe was a lot shorter than him, his steady hands did a good job on holding him still. “I'll get you inside, ok?” Kylo nodded and passively followed Poe inside the house.

 

 

“I wanna go to my room.” he plead softly to which Poe complied. He leaded Kylo to his room without making a noise and helped him to lied down. Once he was better, he sat on the floor resting his back on Kylo's bed. After what it felt like ages, Kylo's voice cut the silence. “Thank you.”

 

 

Poe held his own knees against his chest. “I thought you didn't have more episodes like those.”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

Poe shrugged. “My room is right beside yours. Sometimes I wake up to the sound of your vomiting.”

 

 

“I'm sorry...”

 

 

“I just thought you didn't have those anymore.” he said. Kylo watched the ceiling trying to digest everything Poe was saying. “I always feel like coming in and trying to help but I know you wouldn't like me to do so.” he complemented.

 

 

There was a part on Kylo's mind that was screaming for him to say something. Maybe to tell Poe that he wouldn't mind him coming to help or maybe thank him again for being a genuinely nice guy. The other part, however, was telling him to send him away. Hurt him like he had just hurt Leia because, in the end, having Poe around would do nothing more than open more wounds on him and he had to protect himself form everyone else. Confused and scared, he kept his silence not being sure which part of him would win if he dared to open his mouth.

 

 

“I know you probably don't wanna hear this, Ben, but we are really here for you. I'm here.” he mumbled. “Maybe we don't have the best relationship but I'm still here. And I could help.”

 

 

“You're right.” he said, rolling to his side. “I don't want to hear this.” when Poe didn't answer, Kylo sighed. “I'm fine now, Poe. You should go.”

 

 

The younger boy got up and softly placed his hand on his brother's shoulder. He tried to think about something to say but nothing came to his mind and he decided to leave Kylo alone. At the door he stopped for a minute and sighed. “Call me if you get another of those, ok?” he didn't wait the answer he knew he wouldn't get and left.

 

 

Moaning on the bed, Kylo braced himself and tried to ignore the pain on his stomach and cried himself to sleep because everything felt too much for him to handle. When he woke up again his room was submerse on the darkness. He fumbled the mattress to find his phone and was surprised when the display showed him it was past midnight. His sore muscles were a problem when he stood up and stretched himself. Kylo walked out of the room quietly. If he was quick, he could get downstairs and hit the kitchen, grab as much food as he could get and run back to the safety of his room without seeing anyone. It was too early for Rey to have her 3 am snack, his parents were probably sleeping by now and Poe wasn't a problem. He tip toed to the middle of the stairs when he heard Han's voice on the living room.

 

“This cannot keep happening, Leia!” he exclaimed. “You can't keep finding excuses for his bad behavior.”

 

 

“I'm not finding excuses.”

 

 

“Of course you are. You are always trying to find something to explain his behavior but it's time for you to accept that Ben is acting as a brat and we gotta stop it!”

 

 

“He is fragile!”

 

 

“He is 17.” Han sounded pissed. “He is 17 and he is behaving like a child!”

 

 

“So what do you want me to do, huh? Yell at him? Start a fight? What should I do, Han? Tell me!”

 

 

This time Han's voice lowered and he spoke much more softly “I just want you to stop acting like Benjamin's actions are fine. And stop acting like he is not hurting you. I can see in your eyes, princess. You were never good in hiding this sort of things from me.”

 

 

Leia took her time to talk again. “He is hurt too, you know that.”

 

 

“He doesn't want our help. He doesn't let us help. Shit, Leia. We can't even get close to him without starting a crisis.”

 

 

“So what? We sit here and watch our son kill himself right in front of us?”

 

 

“We've done everything we could.”

 

 

By that time, Kylo had sit on the stairs and was quietly listening. His shaking hands were grasping on his knees and his wet eyes were blurring his vision.

 

 

“We could...get him professional help.”

 

 

“For what? He went to the shrink for months, Leia and what did we get? He tried to overdose on his pills and we almost lost him. He can't be trusted with pills. And even though we can make him go to the psychiatrist we can't make him talk.”

 

 

After a minute, Leia talked again. Kylo was pretty sure, or as least he hoped to be right, that Han was holding her. “I feel so...powerless...”

 

 

“I feel that too.”

 

 

Kylo dragged himself back to his room and buried himself again on his bed. Re replayed Han's words on his head over and over and over until he could think of nothing else. The hours passed him by and he stood awake, rolling on the bed, headphones on and blasting music as loud as he ears could take. Morning came and he wasn't feeling like getting up. He faked a sore throat to escape school and enjoyed the empty house, only hiding back to his room when Han showed up at lunch.

 

 

Han knocked on his door and peeked his head in. “Did you had lunch yet?”

 

 

Kylo shook his head.

 

 

“I'll make something for you and me. Get down in ten.”

 

 

“I'm not hungry.” Kylo tried to argument but his father was having none of this. Han glared him back.

 

 

“Down. In ten.”

 

 

It was better to comply and Kylo knew it very well. It was way harder to deal with Han than with Leia and after the accident, things went sour for both of them. He sat by the table trying to focus on the silverware so maybe Han wouldn't start asking questions or try to keep a conversation but it didn't quite help.

 

 

“Have you seen the game last night?” Han started. He tried to put up his most amiable face despite the fact that Kylo wasn't paying attention. He gently placed Kylo's plate in from of him and then went back to serve himself. Sitting in front of his son, he waited for the answer that didn't come. “Well...did you?”

 

 

“What?”

 

“The baseball game. Last night.”

 

 

“Oh....no.”

 

 

“Oh.”

 

 

Please, let me eat in silence, Kylo thought. He dared to look over to Han and realized his father wasn't eating. Instead, Han was staring at him like he wanted to say something but couldn't build up the courage to. Kylo looked back to his plate. “Pasta is good.” That was all he could say.

 

 

“Good.”

 

 

Kylo nodded. The silence was overwhelming.

 

 

“Your uncle called Saturday.” Han started again. “Did Rey tell you?”

 

 

“No.”

 

 

“He is coming back home soon.”

 

 

“That's good.”

 

 

More silence. At least now Han was eating too. Kylo speed up to clean his plate so he could flee that torture as soon as possible. He swallowed the last meatball so fast that for a moment he was sure it would get down his throat but a little bit of water was enough to avoid the worst.

 

 

“Ben...are you okay?” he knew his phrase meant much more than it seemed to mean. Kylo just shrugged, jumping out of his seat and grabbing his dirty dishes.

 

 

“I'm done. Can I go?”

 

 

Disappointment was written all over Han's face and it was pretty clear that he was analyzing if he should just give up or make his son endure more of that for a little longer. At the end he sight and nodded and watched as Kylo left as fast as if he was running away from the devil himself. The room surely felt weird after he left but Han told himself there was nothing else he could do. With his son didn't want to be around him all he could do was respect.

 

 

Back on his bedroom, Kylo barricaded the door and tried to remain calm. He told himself over and over again than Han would do no harm to him and that he was safe there. Eventually – but not before a cold shower – he felt better and managed to fill his head with something else. Nobody bothered him again that day and neither did they at the following so Kylo missed school again. He slept as much as he could, only getting up to feed himself from time to time.

 

 

Wednesday came and he still felt like staying in. he woke up by the sound of someone knocking on his door and groaned when he heard the sound of knob turning.

 

 

“You're late, you know?”

 

 

He tilted his head to watch Rey leaning against the door-post. She had her arms folded and a look of annoyance on her face. When he turned his face back to his pillow, she walking in and crouched by his side. “Stop acting like that, Ben. I'm not in the mood.”

 

 

“Neither am I. Please shut the door when you leave.”

 

 

“You're late for school. Come on. You gonna flunk. Again!”

 

 

“I'm ok with that.”

 

 

“Stop being such a man child!” she pulled his blanket away from him. “Come on, Ben. You can't do that.”

 

 

“Rey...please. I'm not in the mood.”

 

 

“I don't care!” she shouted. “I don't fucking care, Benjamin. You better get up or so help me god you gonna regret it forever.”

 

 

Her angry tone made him stare at her surprised and slightly amused.

 

 

“I'm serious.” she repeated much softer this time. Rey passed her hand through his hair. “Just get up, get a shower and grab your things. Poe and I will be waiting for you downstairs.”

 

 

“I thought you were still mad at me.”

 

 

“Only a little bit...” she answered with a smile. Even though they were used to all the bickering and the drama of their family relationship, Rey could never get really angry with him. At the end of the day, he was still her cousin and she only wanted the best for him.

 

 

“Rey...”

 

 

“Your friends have being asking for you. I still don't like them and I still think you shouldn't be hanging out with them but they are worried about you. They miss you. Come on. Stop hiding in here. We all miss you.”

 

 

Downstairs, Poe yelled both their names. It was Rey's queue to  mess up Kylo's hair and get up.

 

 

“You got ten minutes.” she said with a smile before leaving.

 

 

If Rey ever doubted her power over Ben, it was gone when he finally got downstairs. The three of they stared at each other in silence until she smiled and pushed her two favorite boys outside the house.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I really can't do this, Mitaka.” Hux took a deep breath and rushed his hand on his hair. “I just can't do this. I can't suddenly go there and ask him out.”

 

 

Mitaka – who was already beyond being pissed – slightly punched him on the arm. “Stop being such a coward!” he groaned. Hux glared him in disbelief, massaging his arm. “Just go there and ask him if he want to hang out after class. It's not a fucking big deal!”

 

 

“You don't get it, ok?” he pouted. 

 

 

“Of course I don't fucking get it.” Mitaka replied. “You are this amazing guy who is so used to fool around and make out with a lot of people and there you are freaking out to ask Ren to hang out with you. I don't get it, Hux!”

 

 

“He is going to say no.” Hux lowered his voice when a couple of girls passed near then. The school hall was so not the place to deal with all his drama. He rubbed his face as Mitaka glared him in silence. “Let's be real, Mitaka.”

 

 

Feeling his anger boiling inside him, Mitaka just exhaled deeply and tried to keep calm. “I don't have the guts to keep telling you this and honestly, I it id doesn't even matter.” he placed his hand on the locker and leaned in to trap Hux in the small space between them. “Why are you so afraid of this guy anyway? It's just another guy. Come on, Hux.”

 

 

“I know.” he whined, closing his eyes and resting his head against the locker. “It's just that, he is so hot...”

 

 

Rolling his eyes, Mitaka pulled away. “You are a joke.”

 

 

It took Hux two more days to work up the courage to ask Kylo out. Mitaka had been on his neck the whole time, partially encouraging him but mostly just because he wanted to see Hux's struggle to finally do it. Friday came and Hux was filled with determination. He stopped in front of the cafeteria and inhaled, looked over to Mitaka and nodded.

 

 

“This is ridiculous.” he mumbled. “I'll just fucking do it!”

 

 

“I'm with you.”

 

 

“I'll just go and ask if he wants to hang out.” 

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

“I'm gonna do it!”

 

 

“Go ahead!”

 

 

He had this weird but cute look of indubitable decision on his face and Mitaka couldn't suppress a chuckle. Concentrated neither of them realized Phasma walking over to them bringing Kylo along.

 

 

“What are you two up to?”

 

 

“Nothing.” Mitaka answered. They were both startled by the pair and Mitaka watched amused as a soft red tone colored Hux's face.

 

 

“I think I might be sick.” he murmured and excused himself, walking away as fast as he could. Phasma and Kylo looked over to Mitaka when Hux disappeared and the asian boy only shrugged to them. He excused himself to go after his friend.

 

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Mitaka had walked around the whole facility to find Hux under the bleachers at the football field. “I've been walking around for ten minutes after you, you little idiot!”

 

 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mitaka!” he repeatedly plead and Mitaka punched him on his shoulder. “Och! What was that for?!”

 

 

“For running away like a coward!” groaning, Mitaka punched him again more lightly. “You had the perfect situation and you let go of it. Are you stupid?”

 

 

“I panicked, ok?” Hux covered his face with his hands and let out a groan. “I mean...I took one look at his face and I froze. And I felt like I was about to puke and I just had to get away from him and....god, Mitaka.”

 

 

“You frustrate me so much, Ginger.”

 

 

“Don't you think I know that? I frustrate myself. I just want to go there and press him against the wall and make out with him until my heart fucking explodes.”

 

 

“Yeah...and you're a doing a great job on making it happens, right?”

 

 

“Fuck off.” he whined, rolling his eyes. He crossed his arms on his chest and sighed. “I'm so done with it, you know? I hate it. I mean...why do I have to have a crush on him, of all people? I could deal with other people. I could deal with hooking up, you know me. I can handle this pretty well but them he comes and he is fucking amazing and I blush and I feel pathetic around him. Why is this happening to me?”

 

 

“Maybe it's karma.” he smirked as Hux glared him with fire in his eyes. “It's just a crush, Ginger, stop being so melodramatic.” then Mitaka pulled Hux by the arm and lead him on back to the cafeteria. He watched as Hux bit his lips and hesitated and turned his had to look at Mitaka with the most adorable anxious look on his face. “Don't freak out.”

 

 

“I can't promise anything.” he mumbled back as they walked the final steps to their lunch table. 

 

 

Kylo and Poe were sitting with them  and Rey was there as well, still looking a little annoyed, but at least she was actually participating on the conversation. Rey was sitting besides Poe and in front of Phasma, who was sitting besides Kylo. Grinning, Mitaka took the place beside Poe so Hux had no option but to sit beside Kylo, which he awkwardly did.

 

 

“Feeling better?” Kylo asked

 

 

“Hm...yeah...thanks...” the table went right back to the conversation and Hux tried to pretend he was cool to be so close to Kylo. He could smell the citric scent of his conditioner which was really weird because it kind felt like something only a creep would know.

 

 

“What about you, Hux?”

 

 

He blinked himself out of his thoughts to noticed everyone staring at him. “Huh?”

 

 

“Won't you get something to eat?”

 

 

“Huh?” he scratched the back of his head with a crooked smile. “I'm not quite hungry. And also I left my money on my backpack so...I think I'll eat after school.” he shrugged and looked away.

 

 

When everybody's attentions left him, Kylo pushed his french fries over to him. “You can have those. I mean. I got them but I'm really full so...if you want, you can have them.”

 

 

“Thanks.” It was awkward, but it was also very sweet and he accepted them trying not to mind Mitaka and his huge grin over the table.

 

 

“Ren, do you have anything to do later today?”

 

 

“Not really. Why?”

 

 

“Hux and I were going to the record store to dig out some old gold and I just remembered I have an appointment that I cannot miss so I was wondering if you could make him company, maybe?”

 

 

“Huh. Sure. If that's ok by you.” He turned to Hux who was glaring at his friend with a very red face. 

 

 

Hux had to calm down mentally so he could turn to Kylo and smile. “Sure. As long as you're free.”

 

 

“Cool. See you after class.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hux didn't have time to properly freak out and lash out to Mitaka until the class was over. They walked out of the building in silence. Hux having the most deadly serious look on his face and Mitaka being his grinner opposite. He teased his friend by jokingly elbowing him on his ribs. “Come on, don't say you didn't like his answer!”

 

 

“You are a jerk!” Hux hissed, smacking Mitaka on the shoulder. “My heart almost stopped right there!”

 

 

“Didn't you want your heart to explode?”

 

 

“Figuratively!”

 

 

Mitaka just rolled his eyes and grinned. “Don't be a pussy.” he advised  pinching Hux's cheek with his fingers. “I'll go before Kylo shows up, ok? Call me when you get home so I can hear everything about your date.” he rushed away before Hux could think of anything to say.

 

Sometimes he just hated Mitaka and his easiness to do everything as he wanted to. He hated the way Mitaka would go on life just doing as he pleased and having things working out perfectly at every situation. But sometimes, such as that, he couldn't help but being thankful for his friendship. He sat by the bench in front of the school, waiting. His stomach was cold and fluttering. He mentally told himself to calm down several times before he realized it wouldn't work. Despite all the teasing form Mitaka, Hux was aware it was not a date. They would simply go to the record store and try to find some good old music and nothing else.

 

 

There was the most anxious twenty minutes he had on his life and when Kylo finally came out of the building followed by Phasma and Rey, he couldn't deny to feel slightly disappointed. Hiding it behind a crooked smile, he got up to meet him halfway. “Hey. You guys are coming with us?”

 

 

Both girls just nodded. “Rey wanted to check out the store as well.”

 

 

“Good. You gonna like it.”

 

 

It's gonna be a disaster, he thought, but everything turned out to prove him wrong. Rey was much fun when she was not busy glaring Phasma and Kylo was still on that silent calm that pleased Hux so much.

 

 

“What exactly are you looking for?” Hux tilted his head to look at Kylo who had just come close to him. “And in a pile of old vinyl records, of all things.”

 

 

“The classics.” he stated the obvious with a malicious grin. “What else would it be?”

 

 

“Point taken” he watched attentively as Hux strummed over the long line of old records stopping from time to time to pick up some of them and put on a pile. “Can I see those?”

 

 

“Sure.”

 

 

On his selection pile two records from the Clash and one from the Rolling Stones and the last one was from Jimmy Hendrix. “Somehow I never pictured you as someone who would listen to Jimmy Hendrix.” he commented to which Hux gave him and adorable confused look. “Actually I think I never pictured as someone who would like any of those.”

 

 

Chuckling, Hux fixed his hair behind his ears. “So how did you pictured me then?”

 

 

“I don't know.” Kylo was still very interested on the records so he didn't realized Hux has stopped everything to stare at him. “I think I thought you were one of those kids who only listen to classical music.”

 

 

Hux pulled the records form Kylo's hands. “First, I happen to like a lot of music genres.” rolled his eyes. “And secondly: what is it with your thing on calling people 'kid'?”

 

 

Ren laughed, crossing his arms and shrugged. “I don't call people like that.”

 

 

“You so do.” Hux mimicked his expression, grinning. “You call me kid all the time.”

 

 

“Well, maybe it's because you're small and delicate.”

 

 

“I'm not small.” he mumbled, a little offended. “And I'm not delicate.” he wanted to add that he was also not that younger to Ren but stopped as he looked at Kylo's face. He felt his cheeks getting warmer as Kylo's eyes meet his own. He cleared his throat and turned back his attention to the records. “Ok. So you never pictured me listening to rock'n'roll so...let's see if you can surprise me. What do you listen to?”

 

 

“Probably nothing you know.”

 

 

“Don't underestimate me.”

 

 

“Ok. I'll give you credit because you actually know the Clash.” he said. Now that Hux was strumming over the records again, all Kylo's attention was focused on him. 

 

 

His hair is so soft and so bright, Kylo caught himself thinking. He swallowed this thought and felt it burning on his cheeks.

 

 

“This one. This one is gold.” he picked one of the albums that Hux didn't give attention to. 

 

 

“So...Dead Kennedys.”

 

 

“I'm impressed you know them.”

 

 

“I told you not to underestimate me, didn't I?”

 

 

“You did.”

 

 

“So you like the Clash and Dead Kennedys...and what else?”

 

 

Kylo looked over the store with a smirk. “Well, it would take a while to point every single band I like.”

 

 

“Ok, I told you three. Tell me one more.”

 

 

“Patti Smith.”

 

 

“Really?”

 

 

“She is great.”

 

 

“I know. It's just surprising.”

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

“You just don't seem to be the kind of person that would listen to Patti Smith.”

 

 

“Well, you don't look like you listen to Jimmy Hendrix.”

 

 

“Touché.” chuckling, he walked away to pay for the vinyls he had chosen being closely followed by Kylo. He put the records on the counter and started a happy conversation with the cashier only turning around when he heard Kylo enthusiastically exclaim a 'wow'. “What is it?”

 

 

He was holding a cd on his hand and he had the most exciting look on his face. “I've been looking for this cd for ages.” he exclaimed. He hold out it on Hux direction to show the cover. “Did you ever heard about Killswitch Engage?”

 

 

“I love Killswitch Engage.” excited, Hux took the cd form Kylo's hands. “Where did you find this? I've been coming here for ages and I've never seen this!”

 

 

“It came last week.” the cashier pointed out.

 

 

“How come you didn't tell me this, Lars?”

 

 

“Well, I don't actually know what you like, Ginger.”

 

 

“Ok. You got a point.” Reluctantly he gave the cd back to Kylo. “Do you got another copy?”

 

 

“I'm sorry, Ginger. Only one that came.” he apologized. “It's a very old one.”

 

 

His answer was a groan. Ren, that has been watching their conversation in silence was very amused. When they left the store Hux was still sulking.

 

 

“Do you like them that much that not buying a cd is making you do that creepy face?”

 

 

“My face is not creepy.” he moaned. “And it's not only about the cd. I'm pissed because I won't go to the concert, despite the fact that I've been saving money for a while and the cd only made things worse.”

 

 

“They are doing a concert?!”

 

 

“Yeah. Two weeks from now. Didn't you know?”

 

 

“Not really. I wonder if they still have tickets available.”

 

 

“They don't.”

 

 

“Shit.”

 

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

Kylo couldn't deny that it was almost cute the way Hux was pouting about something that seemed to silly as a rock concert. But again, who was he to judge people, right? They meet up with the girls again right after that and the concert subject was forgotten.

 

 

Later, when Hux was ready to get on the bus, Kylo's hand hold him back by his wrist. “If I get tickets, will you come with me?”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“To the concert.”

 

 

“But the tickets sold out!”

 

 

“Ok, but if I can get them...”

 

 

“Then ok.”

 

 

“Ok.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every single muscle i have is hurting.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to keep this going.

Kylo opened his eyes by the sound of the door opening. He stared at Poe, who walked in with a serious expression, with his eyebrows raised. “So?”

 

 

“You better be forever grateful to me.” Poe answered. He pulled the tickets from his back pocket and flicked them in front of Ben's face. When his brother took them from his hand, he raised an eyebrow and smirked. “You must be so desperate to go see this show to actually make me ask father for them. Who are you taking, anyway?”

 

 

Kylo rolled his eyes and got up, trying to escape the inquisition that he knew Poe was dying to make.

 

 

“Come on, Ben! I've helped you out! Don't you think you could at least tell me who the fuck you taking to this stupid concert?” he complained. Now that Kylo was up, he tossed himself on his brother bed, lying on his back. “Because of you I had to lie to dad and say my girlfriend wanted to see the show. And I had to actually listen as he lecture me about how I should be a better brother and take you to the show because everyone knows you like this kind of shit.”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

The look on Ben's face was so sincerely surprised that Poe could do nothing but laugh. “Why are you so surprised? It's not like he knows nothing about the things you like. Isn't he your father after all?”

 

 

“I guess you're right.” he said after a moment. He realized he had been on the same spot in the middle of his room without knowing what to do next. The idea that Han actually knew things about him shouldn't be a surprise but Kylo couldn't help feeling exposed.

 

 

“I really don't get it why you can't just tell him you're taking someone to the concert with you.” Poe said. “I mean...why get me to ask this?”

 

 

“I just want to keep his nose out of my business.”

 

 

“You say shit like this like you're some kind of gangster. It's actually pretty hilarious to watch.” he giggled. “Come on, Ben. Stop trying to stroll me and tell me already who is the chick you taking with you and why is she so important.”

 

 

He considered if he should say something or not. Not that he was afraid Poe was going to tease him, and to be honest, taking Hux to the concert was not really a big deal. He was a friend who happened to like the same band Kylo did. There was nothing wrong with that, right?

 

Of course he could lie and tell he was taking some random girl. Poe would probably tease him for a couple of hours but that would be the end of it. He could say a lot of things to deceive his brother but it felt so bitter and wrong to lie to someone who wholeheartedly accepted to help him out. He scratched the back of his neck and sighed. “I'm not taking a girl. I'm taking a friend, ok?”

 

 

“What friend?”

 

 

Sighing again, he found somewhere to put the tickets so he would not lose them on his mess. “Hux.” he said in low voice. “He happen to like the band and he was the one who told me about the concert. It feels just fair to take him with me, don't you think?”

 

 

“I think it is just fair.” Poe shrugged. “Well, I hope you enjoy it a lot.”

 

 

“Really? Not going to tease me about how I should take a girl with me and make out with her the whole time?”

 

 

“When did I ever said those things to you, Ben?” he sat up to ask. They stared at each other for a minute in silence until Kylo looked away. “You know? Who you take to places with you and who you make out with are none of my concern. I honestly just want you to get out of the fucking house and go have so fun.”

 

 

“It's not like I want to make out with him or something like that.” he said.

 

 

“Ok.”

 

 

“I'm not gay.”

 

 

“I wasn't implying anything.”

 

 

“I'm just making it clear to you.”

 

 

“I really don't care about you love life, Ben.” he said, finally getting up. “I just want you to have fun.”

 

 

He was ready to leave when Kylo called him back. “We should do something....someday...I mean....we can go out....if you think that would be...fun.”

 

 

He shrugged again trying to look cool. “I guess it won't hurt.” he said before leaving. He walked back to his own room with a smile. It had been a long time since a conversation with Ben would make him so glad. Of course there was all that sexuality stuff that actually made him really uncomfortable. The possibility of Ben being homophobic was something that would sometimes keep Poe up all night. He knew in his heart that he would always find solace on Leia. He also knew that uncle Luke would be supportive as well. Rey wouldn't be too much of a trouble but Han and Ben were the big “ifs” he was so afraid of.

 

 

He was the only one dwelling on it. Back on his room, Kylo was far morre concerned with another thing: he wanted to tell Hux about the tickets right away, but knowing he didn't had his own phone made things much more complicated. He could call at his home but it was something a such a little importance to call him up past 11 p.m at a Sunday night. He could always wait for the next morning so they would meet at the school and they could talk.

 

 

Its was better this ways. “I can't wait to see his face when I tell him.” he giggled. He would probably get his eyes wide open in surprise and Kylo would look so cool.

 

 

Next morning he was trilled. He woke up earlier than usual and went downstairs ready to go when Poe and Rey were still in their own rooms, trying to get ready. At the kitchen, Leia and Han were having a silent breakfast when their son got in. for a moment it felt almost nostalgic.

 

 

His mother smiled to him when their eyes meet and he smiled back in reflex. She pointed the chair by her side. “Sit. Come have breakfast with us.” Kylo thought that maybe she wasn't expecting him to accept so when he did her eyes actually glowed. Han didn't say a word other than a very grumpy good morning by Leia – as well as Kylo – Knew very well he was never in a good mood at the morning. Silence between them felt peaceful and needed. Somehow it was like they had never had all the troubles they had been through.

 

 

He watched as his parents went through their routines. Drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, answering important calls of desperate and inconvenient people, the way Han's right hand was place at the table, always ready do grab Leia's, the little smile she would show him every now and then before taking another sip of her coffee.

 

 

Kylo thought whatever spell they had put on the kitchen was going to be broken at the moment Rey and Poe stormed inside in the middle of an argument. However, much for his surprise, neither one of the two flinch a bit. His brother and cousin helped themselves with the food and sat by the table only stopping their heated argument to greet the others.

 

 

“You are completely wrong!” Rey growled. She slammed her palm on the table, which made Han frown.

 

 

“That is enough.” he hissed. 

 

 

“I'm sorry, uncle Han.” She said. She and exchanged guilty looks and after that the argument lost its heat.

 

 

“Why are the two of you arguing anyway?” Han asked.

 

 

“Rey doesn't want to admit that a Nissan Silvia would lose in a race against a Mustang.”

 

 

“Because it wouldn't lose and you know that, Poe!”

 

 

“Of course it would. The only reason you don't want to give in and admit it is because you're a stubborn girl who hates to lose!”

 

“You can't drift in a Mustang, you jerk!”

 

 

“No, **you** can't drift in a Mustang.” he bragged. “Besides, I don't wanna drift in a Mustang. I wanna race. And in a race a Mustang would do so much better than your silly little Silvia.”

 

 

“First things first: you ain't some race god that can race any car, ok?” she began, crossing her arms and smirking. “You don't even have permission to drive. Just because you read about cars all day it doesn't make you an expert!”

 

 

“I don't wanna hear that from someone like you!”

 

 

“Can't the two of you think about anything else to talk about other than cars?” Han exhaled. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Just once I wanted you kids to be normal.”

 

 

Leia giggled. She got up and kissed Han on his cheek. “Well, those are the kids you get. See you at dinner.” she left after saying goodbyes to the other, softly touching Kylo on his shoulder and flashing him a smile. That smile that only Leia could give and that even now had the power to tell him everything would be alright. Han left soon after her letting Kylo to deal with Poe and Rey who were still too caught up into their conversation.

 

 

Kylo stretched out his arms above his head. “We are gonna get late if you two don't stop arguing.” he said.

 

 

Two pairs of eyes stared at him in awe. “Are you actually wanting to go to school?” Rey asked. Her voice was filled with doubt and mockery so Kylo just rolled his eyes and shrugged. “No, I mean it! Last time you wanted to go to school the dinosaurs were walking on the Earth.” she added. She stuffed what left of her toast on her mouth and smirked. ”What are you up to?”

 

 

“Nothing. I just don't wanna be late. You know. For a change.” he lied. He got up a brought his plate to the sink. “Are you guys done yet? Five minutes or I'm leaving without you.”

 

 

“Sometimes you do sound like Aunt Leia, you know?”

 

 

Well, shouldn't be a surprise after all he was her son. He rushed them again but despite his efforts they didn't get to school soon enough for him to wander around after Hux. He wondered if he should break the news to Phasma but a small voice in his head was telling him it would be weird. Kylo had told himself not to pay attention to that sneaky mean voice that was trying to convince him it would go sour in the end. For once he was actually trying not to freak out over something that was already done. After all, if Hux didn't want to go with him, he could just say so. He could just turn down the invitation and walk away from Kylo and maybe never look at him again. Maybe he just got too excited to find someone he could talk to and read too much into it and got ahead of himself and messed it all up. There was a large bunch of “maybes” he could consider before breaking the news to Hux.

 

 

When he finally sat down and told Hux he got the tickets it felt amazing. The way his eyes widened and sparkle as his mouth hanged opened in a silent scream made Kylo's stomach flutter. He realized he was far more excited for having him around than with the idea of the concert itself.

 

 

“I can't believe you got them.” Hux said for the tenth time. “I mean...this is amazing! How did you do this?”

 

 

“I might have made a deal with the devil.” he answered to which Hux grinned and lift one of his eyebrows.

 

 

“Should I be concerned of getting killed in a satanic ritual?”

 

 

“Don't they only kill virgins?” Kylo mocked. He was afraid, for a second, that his teasing was beyond his limits but Hux laughed.

 

 

“I'm safe then.”

 

 

“I'll let you know if they change the rules and you have to worry again.”

 

 

“Very kind of you.” he joked again. Sighing, the big grin on his face seemed like it would be there forever. “This is so amazing, Ren.” he whispered. “Ah, right, how much do I owe you?”

 

 

“Huh?”

 

 

“For the tickets.” he explained. “I know you probably had to spend a lot on those and I don't actually know if I got the money right now but I figured I should at least pay you back my share.”

 

 

“I don't remember asking for your money.”

 

 

“I know, I know.” he quickly added. “i just don't want you to go thinking I'm expecting anything for free.”

 

 

“Well, don't you let your friends buy you stuff?”

 

 

“I don't, actually, but...” he started and then he hesitated. There was something he would like to ask but somehow he knew there wasn't a nice way to ask that. He inhaled. “Are we friends?”

 

 

It felt like a punch and Hux could see it by the look on his face. He watched as Kylo tried to come with something to say but as everything sounded lame, the only thing that came out was “Aren't we?”

 

 

“I don't know.” he answered. “It's not that I don't want to.” he quickly added ad he fixed his hair behind his ear. “I just...I mean...you're Kylo Ren and....I don't know....I didn't know if you wanted to be my friend or maybe you were just spending time with me. I don't know.” he rubbed his own face when he felt it getting hotter. “Sorry.”

 

 

“I thought we were friends already.”

 

 

“Really?”

 

 

“Yeah.” he shrugged. “We talk, we have lunch together, we hang out outside school. All things one does with friends, right?”

 

 

“You're right.”

 

 

“Yep.”

 

 

“So...we're friends?”

 

 

Kylo chuckled. “Aren't this set yet?” Hux nodded and chuckled as well. “So, now that we settled it...you don't owe me a thing for the tickets, ok? You are my friend and I invited you.”

 

 

“Ok but...”

 

 

“No 'buts'.” he added. “And besides, I didn't spend money on those. My brother got my father to get them so we're fine.”

 

 

He was still feeling like arguing. Hux knew himself to be incredibly stubborn and proud so letting people actually by him stuff was a very delicate subject. It felt like something that would diminish him and he did not appreciate the feeling of anguish on his stomach. But again the way Kylo smiled and how he said they were friends so Hux didn't have to worry and the way his eyes were sparkling when he break the news to Hux, all those things were crumbling inside Hux's mind and he felt like boiling up. He let theses feelings take a hold of him and the week passed by before he could even realized it was gone.

 

 

On Saturday he was trembling. He watched the clock at every five minutes to the point Nwanda, his boss, was almost throwing a hay at him. “What is with you and that damn clock, Ginger?” he growled. “I pay you to work not to watch the hours pass by.” he was in a horrible mood and Hux didn't want to piss him off even more so he resigned to do his chores quietly glancing the clock every once in a while.

 

 

He didn't have to watch the clock so diligently because fifteen minutes before his shift ends, Kylo walked in, sat on a table and ordered something to drink. He watched him from afar until the clock turned to 6 p.m, and he walked to Kylo, taking off his apron. “You came to pick me up?” he tried to hide the smirk growing on his lips and turned his eyes to his own hands, try to wipe them off on his apron.

 

 

Kylo shrugged. “Was afraid you might forget the concert and stuff.”

 

 

“You think I have the slightest possibility to actually forget about this concert? Really, Ren?”

 

 

“Are you shift over? Can we go already?”

 

 

“Yeah, but...you know...I actually have to go home...and shower. So I can smell like a human being and less like a giant hamburger.” he chuckled. Suddenly he didn't know what to say. Playing with his apron, he looked away from Kylo to try and calm down. Last thing he needed at that exact moment was his crush showing so he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down. Kylo was still watching him waiting for Hux to say something else. It was calming to see he seemed to feel as awkward as Hux did.

 

 

“So?”

 

 

“So?”

 

 

“What are we going to do?”

 

 

Hux sat in the bench in front of him. His legs weren't actually working on their best anyway. “I really need to take a shower.” he said. He ran his fingers on his hair, tugging it behind his left ear. “I smell like soggy french fries.” he liked the way Kylo's nose wrinkled when Hux said it. “You can come with me and then we go from there or we can meet there. Whatever works best for you.” in the brief moment that it took for Kylo to give his answer, Hux was already worrying that he might have look like an idiot, speaking too fast and asking too much and maybe implying things that Kylo was not into doing.

 

 

Kylo just shrugged. “I'll go with you.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

He thought it would be weird to walk around with Hux from his workplace to his house and then to the concert but surprisingly it felt rather exciting. Well, at least once Hux got really into their conversation and things went smoothly from there. He went on a very passionate rant about their favorite band's last album and Kylo chuckled as Hux's strong opinions on their last single made his ears red. “You really are passionate about music, huh?”

 

 

“I am.” Hux said. He fixed his hair again and looked away wondering if he was flustered or not. Ah, the disadvantages of having pale skin! “Music is probably my favorite thing. Aside cooking.”

 

 

“Do you play anything? 'Cause I've eaten your food and it's pretty good.”

 

 

“I don't actually.” 

 

 

“That's too bad.” Kylo shrugged. “Maybe you should try and learn something.”

 

 

“Maybe.” he shrugged too. The line in front of them was slowly moving and Hux could already feel the excitement induced static in his veins. He nibbled his lips to try and keep himself from jumping. Kylo seemed to be much more cool than him and it was a shame. He dared to look at him with the corner of his eyes for a moment and Kylo was looking directly at him. “What?”

 

 

“You look very hyped.”

 

“Well, I am.” he said. “Aren't you?”

 

 

“I guess so.” he shrugged again, shoving his hands on his pockets. Hux pursed his lips to the side.

 

 

“How come you always seems to be so unfazed by everything?”

 

 

“Me? Unfazed?”

 

 

“Yeah, you got that look that you really don't care about anything. Its quite impressive, I should say.”

 

 

“Impressive?” he giggled. “There is nothing impressive about me, believe it.” he said. Before Hux could say anything else they were moving faster towards the gate where several staff members were busy trying to get everyone's tickets and check them for guns. A very large guy reach out for Kylo's tickets and quickly patched on his pockets and tights, letting him go in a minute. He did the same to Hux. His bizarrely big hand made Hux feel really small when he groped his tights and hips and then he let Hux go with a nod.

 

 

They wander around for a while trying to get used to the big empty open air space where the concert was. A rookie band was playing at the stage to some mildly interested people hanging at the front row.

 

 

The loud music was not enough to prevent them to hear each other but it did make it quite harder so when Kylo spoke he leaned in to Hux, his breathe tickling Hux's cheek. At first, Hux didn't understand what he had said. The only thing that his brain seemed to be acknowledging was Kylo's proximity to his own face.

 

 

“Do you wanna get something to drink or..?”

 

 

“No. Not really.” he managed to say. After that he was unease. He thought that by that time he would be okay going out alone with Kylo but, somehow, he always end up feeling like he had to live up to some hidden expectation and that very fact would get his stomach to freeze and he would fall into a dark pit of self consciousness completely unaware that, by his side, Kylo was feeling exactly the same. He hid his sweaty shaking hands on his pockets and tried to remember how to keep his breathing at a normal pace. Being out, in the middle of an ever growing crowd with someone that he, somehow, wanted to impress was definitely very demanding on his nerves. 

 

 

 

He tried to keep all his alarming thoughts at bay because that was an especial night and he was determined to have fun. He wasn't sure of how long it had been since the last time he was at a concert. Kylo didn't remember going to none after the accident. Suddenly the realization that everybody must be watching his gigantic scar colored red his cheeks. He felt his eyes burning and his throat clenched as he choked down a whimper. He was pathetic. He bit his lips to keep himself aware. It would be a disaster to end up on the floor, crying, in front of everyone.

 

 

By the time the rookie band finish, he was composed again. He glanced over Hux, who was busy looking around and softly grabbed his wrist to get his attention. “It is about to start.” he said. “Wanna try to get to the front row?”

 

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

 

Hux leaded the way. Having a smaller frame made it easier for him to find a way to wiggle around the others. Kylo was having a harder time. He excuse himself as he passed the other but he was very aware of their annoyed looks towards him. They still had a lot to get through if they wanted to get as close as possible to the stage but when Kylo finally got a grip on Hux's hand, he squeezed it softly until Hux turned his face to him. “I think we should keep on here. It's close enough, right?” the disappointment on Hux's face was clear, but he nod and cleared his throat and put on a smile as he squeezed Kylo's hand back.

 

 

“Sure.”

 

 

He didn't let go and neither did Kylo. The crowd around them roared louder than a thunder when the first riff of the first song broke the silence. When the band came on the stage, Hux flared him an excited smile. The butterfly flock on his stomach decided to fly up and down, making his whole body quiver. Hux didn't seem to noticed and if he did, it didn't matter. The music blasting loud on their ears was enough of sensations for him to forget about anything else now.

 

 

Hux's throat was already sore by the fifth song. He could feel it burning but it didn't matter. He was truly happy and truly excited. Kylo's hand was still on his hand, even though there was no need of this intimate contact anymore. Of course he wouldn't pull his hand off of his grip. He would enjoy and savor every little moment he could get. By the seventh song when everybody else was jumping and shoving themselves into each other, Kylo's hand finally slip out of his fingers but a moment later his strong arm pulled Hux close to him.

 

 

“You'll get stomped to death if you fall now.” he said. The way his hand was firmly holding Hux in place would send electric waves on Hux's spine.

 

 

If Kylo looked down and kissed him it would be the most perfect first kiss Hux could ever imagine. Of course it wouldn't happen but he couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have Kylo's puffy lips pressed against his. He could bet it would feel amazing.

 

 

On the stage, the lead singer finished the song with a scream. The crowd came to life once again, arms up, phones snapping pictures, high-pitched voice fighting to be heard among the sea of other much more deep voices. A couple right beside kissed and laughed. The genuine happiness everyone was sharing infected every single person there. When Kylo looked down and his eyes met Hux's, he was visibly happy. It was just then that Hux realized he had never noticed how Kylo's eyes would glow so much when he was happy. He thought about saying something but in the end he didn't have the guts to. What if Kylo thought he was too weird? What if he get disgusted by him? It was too much to lose. It was better to stay quiet.

 

 

The concert went on for more two hours and by the time the lead singer finally said his goodnight and the band left – for good now – Hux was feeling destroyed. All his tiredness seemed to catch up with him at the exact moment the concert was over. He moaned as he followed Kylo outside, his feet aching and protesting every step he was taking.

 

 

“You look like you're an extra at a zombie movie.” Kylo pointed out. He looked disheveled. His hair falling on every direction, sweat on his face, his clothes smelled like cigarettes and alcohol but, still, he looked hot. Too hot to be fair on Hux's opinion. Kylo searched his pockets for his cigarettes. “Shit! I think I lost them.”

 

 

“Huh?”

 

 

“My cigarettes.” but them he shrugged and shove his hands back to his pockets. “Are you hungry?”

 

 

“Starving.” he moaned. “But if I have to take one more step I thing i'll rather just starve to death here.” he teased, rubbing his face.

 

 

“You can't be that tired.”

 

 

“I'm not just tired, Kylo. Today I am exhausted. It's different.” he feigned a glaring face when Kylo chuckled but he was too tired to even argue. Yawning, he massaged his nape and closed his eyes. He was thankful that the following day was a Sunday and he could sleep in and stay in his bed the whole day. Being his only truly free day he promised himself he wouldn't do anything. He would just catch up on his sleep schedule. “So...you're going home now?”

 

 

“I guess.”

 

 

“Hm”

 

 

“I mean. I would ask if you wanna do something but you kinda made you point on being exhausted.”

 

 

“I'm sorry.” shrugging, he kept trying to ease the pain on his neck. “I guess I'm not that much of a party company.”

 

 

“No, no. I think it was great. I have tons of fun.” he quickly said. “I mean it.”

 

 

“Well. I hope so.” He could only hope Kylo wouldn't notice how awkward he was feeling. The undeniable truth of having a crush was that once you vividly picture your first kiss, you're doomed. And having the fight the urge of grabbing Kylo's face and kissing him when he had no strength to even keep himself fully awake was too much for him to deal with. He sighed and stretched his arms. “So...I see you Monday, ok?”

 

 

 

“Ah....yeah, sure.”

 

 

 

“Ok, then. I'm going.”

 

 

 

“Yeah....me too.”

 

 

 

“Hm...bye.” they stared at each other not being sure how to say goodbye. Hux thought that maybe he could reach out his hand to shake Kylo's but it did seemed too cold. Maybe a hug would be better but maybe it was too warm. And he wasn't even sure if straight guys did hug each other. Well, at least Kylo knew he was gay so maybe he would figure it out that gay dudes do hug. 

 

 

They end up in a semi-hug filled with awkwardness and some weird anxious giggle from Hux. When the step back from each other, Hux parenthetically waved his hand twice before realizing how stupid he might be looking. He whispered another bye and tried to bolt away only to have Kylo calling him back.

 

 

“Do you want me to keep you company until your bus comes?”

 

 

Yes, he wanted to yell, please keep me company and maybe fucking kiss me so I can stop acting so weirdly.

 

 

But he just shrugged and smiled. “No need. I bet I'll catch it really soon.” he took three or four steps away again before turning back again. His smile widened. “But thanks for the tickets. Today was amazing.”

 

 

He was wrong.

 

 

He was frustratingly wrong.

 

 

By the time he got on the nearest bus stop, his bus was already leaving. He used his last forces to push himself into running and screaming after the bus but it didn't help at all and he watched, desperate, as it left him behind all alone on that empty dim bus stop.

 

 

“I'm so fucked.” he whispered to himself as he rested his face on the pole. “Why did it have to happen to me? Come on! Can't I have one nice day without shit like this happening to me?”

 

 

 

“Who are you talking to?”

 

 

 

“JESUS FUCKIN CHRI—are you trying to give me a heart attack?” he yelled, jumping back when Kylo showed up apparently from nowhere. “Don't sneak out on people out of blue. Fucking hell!”

 

Much to his surprise, Kylo was laughing. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” he managed to say as he tried to catch his breath again. 

 

 

“What are you even doing here? I thought you went home already.”

 

 

“I was going to but then I realized how late it is and I thought that maybe you wouldn't get to catch your bus by now. The last bus is already gone by now, right?”

 

 

“Yeah.” he grumpily agreed. “It just pass right past me.”

 

 

“Sorry you lost your bus.” he said. He stared as Hux rubbed his face, visibly annoyed. He had ran all the way there because of an idea that maybe wasn't the best one he had up to his date but he had never been known by having great ideas anyway. “Do you wanna go home with me?”

 


	7. Announcement

Hm. Hey. I have no idea how to start this. Hm. This is an announcement. Yes. This is an announcement.  
First, i just wanted to say that I'm sorry, okay? I really am. For exactly everything. I'm sorry.  
I will not continue this work. I apologize for those who were reading this and appreciating this story. Things got in my way.

And when I say things, I mean depression.  
There is nothing left in me so I cannot possibly work on this anymore. I feel that even if I tried, I would only bring displeasure to everybody. Nowadays I'm nothing more than a hollow vessel. I don't think I'll ever write anymore - or even if I do, I don't think I'll put it online again -. I lost joy in writing and in drawing and in pretty much everything and this time, I don't think it will ever come back to me.  
I'm deeply sorry.  
Also, I'm deeply grateful for all the love you guys showed me up til now. I'll never forget it. No matter what.  
I hope you guys have a very nice day, and week, and life.

With love,  
Limão.


End file.
